"It was a youthful indiscretion."

— family friend Bill Jones, on Qala Jangi–uprising survivor John Philip Walker’s fighting for the Taliban

Dear Mom,

Just a quick note to let you know I’m alive and well here in Qala Jangi. And before you ask, no, I’m NOT smoking a lot of opium!!! My lessons are going very well. Last week we learned how to shoot people in the head from very far away. Master bin Laden says I am much better at this than everybody in the class!!!

To be honest, the place I’m staying right now is not so nice. It’s a basement, and I must say it’s a bit damp, not to mention crowded!!! One of my roommates, Abdid, says that you and dad are infidels. I told him to shut up or I’d put anthrax in his tea. We have a lot of laughs. But it’s kind of boring actually. I was writing a poem but couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with "Great Satan." Damon Wayans??? Anyway, soon we are going to explore some of the caves in Tora Bora, which are supposed to be very nice.

Can you send me some supplies??? I’m running low, especially on high-velocity bullets. I think they sell them at the Wal-Mart in town. I also need a new tunic, black if possible, though I’m not sure where you’d find one of those. By the way, when I come home after jihad (God willing!!! Ha ha) I will not be needing the TV in my room. Maybe you can sell it to pay for the bullets and the tunic. I would like some Snickers bars too — being a holy warrior is hungry work sometimes. (I just remembered, do you know where I can get some weapons-grade uranium? — just kidding!!!)

I maybe shouldn’t say this, but I sort of miss my CD collection. Here we do not listen to much music. Sometimes the screams of sinners and fornicators being whipped in the street sounds sort of like Nine Inch Nails. Ptah! I spit on devil music. (Though I still like Britney Spears — shhh!!!)

I have to go now, Mom. Abdid says there’s a B-52 coming. Don’t worry about me. Americans are weak and will be crushed like flies. Not you, of course. Or Dad. Or anyone on our street. But the Evil President is in big trouble, let me tell you!!! Master bin Laden says he will be tasting bitter defeat by the end of Ramadan. Master bin Laden also says that fire will rain down on Americans from above, but I don’t think he was talking about Fairfax, so don’t worry.

Oh, nearly forgot. I have my own whip!!! It’s made out of real leather. As soon as we get out of this basement I’m going to find a few sinners and fornicators and teach them a thing or two. Again please don’t worry. Master bin Laden has promised me a spot in paradise if I get shot. There are a lot of comfy cushions in paradise, and virgins (unlike Fairfax!!! Ha ha). Please feed my hamster Omar and send me those bullets. I cannot shoot people in the head from great distances without them!!!

Bye for now, God is great,

Your loving son,

Abdul Hamid John Phillip Walker Suleyman Al-Lindh

Issue Date: December 6 - 13, 2001

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