No longer will US attorney general John Ashcroft appear in public with a semi-nude statue towering above him. The Justice Department has spent $8000 on curtains to hide the statue from the cameras. The female, art deco statue, with one breast exposed, is located in the department’s Great Hall, where news conferences are often held.

— BBC America, January 29, 2002

"What are we going to do next? Put shorts on the statue of David, put an 1880s bathing suit on ‘Venus Rising,’ and a shirt on the Venus de Milo?"

— Cher, quoted in the Washington Post, February 26, 2002

1) No longer will New York mayor Michael Bloomberg appear in public with the Empire State Building towering above him. The city has spent $800,000 on a giant sock to hide the building from the public. The 102-story, art deco structure, which calls to mind a large penis, is located on 5th Avenue and 34th Street, where Midwestern tourists often congregate.

2) No longer will President Bush appear in public with a portrait of a bewigged George Washington towering behind him. The White House has spent $2000 on a touch-up to hide the Founding Father’s hairpiece from the cameras. The wig, which Bush has described as "pubey-looking," is located in the East Room, where receptions are often held.

3) No longer will Osama bin Laden appear on camera with a rocky protrusion behind him. The Al Qaeda network has spent eight billion afghanis on a curtain to hide the protrusion from the cameras. The sedimentary rock, which from certain angles resembles a female nose, is located in the Tora Bora region, where anti-American diatribes are often filmed.

4) No longer will John Ashcroft appear in public with enormous bags under his eyes. The Justice Department has spent $80,000 on plastic surgery to hide the bags from the cameras. The large, droopy pockets of flesh, which bear a striking resemblance to an elephant’s scrotum, were located on the attorney general’s face, which often appears on news conferences.

5) No longer will area racehorses appear in public totally nude. The state has spent $7500 on 200 specially constructed jockstraps to hide the horses’ undercarriage from the cameras. The horses, many of whom are hung like horses, race at Suffolk Downs. Cher has called the decision "lamentable."