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THE RIGHT STUFF
Government of the people
BY CHRIS WRIGHT

Not content with the way the country’s being run? Well, now you can do something about it. The official White House Web site (www.whitehouse.gov/appointments) recently posted a call for "men and women of the greatest ability" to "serve our country as a member of the Bush-Cheney administration." To apply for one of the cabinet positions, ambassadorships, and judgeships up for grabs, all you need do is fill out an online application form, sit back, and get ready to govern. There are, however, a few caveats.

"The hours are long and the pace intense."

Not a problem. As a fan of The West Wing, I’d be happy to march briskly through the halls of power bantering with sassy aides. (Is it true that the White House is heaving with cute blondes?) In any case, I long for the day (or night) when I might slap Dick Cheney’s bald pate after a lengthy, ardent discussion on the long-term viability of Yasser Arafat. I’d even be willing to help out at the presidential ranch on weekends, clearing brush and so on.

"There is much public/press scrutiny, as you would expect in an open, democratic form of government such as ours."

First off, let me just say that an open, democratic form of government like ours cannot tolerate such undemocratic questions as who stuffed the Mohamed Atta file behind the water cooler, etc. Otherwise, my dealings with the media — miserable frickin’ scumbuckets — will be both professional and circumspect. I do hope my inability to pronounce the word "circumspect" won’t be an issue.

"Most applicants ... will go through a full FBI background check in which their employment, professional, personal, travel, medical, financial, legal, military and educational histories will be reviewed and scrutinized."

Ooh, FBI checks — I’m sca-a-ared! Seriously, though, as far as those delinquent school loans go: my experience in that arena should prove invaluable in keeping those dues-collecting UN bastards at bay, right? Also, I trust my extensive DWI record won’t be a snag (slaps Cheney’s head, mock-punches Dubya). True, the old ticker ain’t what it used to be (another Cheney slap). Oh, and the Chris Wright who spent six months in eastern Pakistan under the pseudonym Aq al-Jihadi last year? Wasn’t me.

"The financial holdings and sources of income for most applicants under serious consideration must be disclosed for review for possible conflicts of interest."

That reminds me: will I get paid extra for the ranch work?

Issue Date: June 6 - 13, 2002
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