Iraq has agreed to admit U.N. weapons inspectors without conditions. But the United States expressed skepticism about Baghdad’s willingness to allow a real search for weapons of mass destruction.

— AP, September 17

Two hundred nuclear warheads have gone missing in a country suspected of selling high tech arms to Iraq.... The warheads, which have vanished in the former Soviet republic of Ukraine, contain enough highly-radioactive plutonium to destroy every capital in Europe and North America several times over.

— The Drudge Report, September 17

UN weapons inspectors yesterday claimed to have discovered a " sizeable number " of nuclear missiles lining the perimeter of Saddam Hussein’s Presidential Palace. However, Iraqi minister of design Tariq Hussein angrily refuted the claims, insisting that the missiles are " a decorative fence. " Meanwhile, Iraq’s minister of morals, Ebay Hussein, fulminated against UN inspectors who claimed to have found a nuclear missile in the Presidential Palace’s master bedroom. " The Big Bang Ballistic Deluxe, " the minister explained, " is the personal love rocket of Saddam’s mistress. "

Earlier in the day, Iraqi police hustled UN personnel away from what inspectors described as " suspicious-looking " traffic cones lined up along Saddam Hussein He Is Just Too Good to Be True Boulevard in Baghdad. Inspectors were also unsuccessful in their attempts to seize a cache of what appeared to be nuclear-tipped missiles from the Scud-Go-Round ride at the Saddam Hussein Oh Bless His Boots Amusement Park in the southern city of Basra. Attempts to inspect the park’s popular Nuclear Holocoaster were also unsuccessful.

Frustrated UN weapons inspectors reacted with outrage yesterday, when Iraqi Republican Guards thwarted attempts to seize a suspected missile stockpile in the Saddam Hussein Joy Is To Be Found In His Shorts soccer stadium. " We will not have our pointy-headed fans violated, " said Umama Hussein, the Iraqi minister of sports. In a further troubling development, Iraqi authorities warned UN inspectors to stay away from the Saddam Hussein: Wow! Aquarium, where a number of large, immobile, missile-shaped " sharks " have recently raised suspicion.

Meanwhile, Shaziz Hussein, Iraq’s minister of fun and games, insisted yesterday that weapons inspectors’ qualms about dozens of rockets spotted at a remote Iraqi army base are unfounded. " Fireworks, " explained Hussein. " For Saddam Hussein Oh My God I’m Going To Cream In My Pants Day. " While US authorities expressed skepticism about this explanation, UN secretary-general Kofi Annan insisted there was no reason to doubt the Iraqi minister’s word.