Jennifer Lopez dished up a set of demands for husband-to-be Ben Affleck, which includes a $5 million fine if he strays. Lopez is determined to make her third marriage work and so she has dropped a pre-nuptial bombshell... Insiders claim her list of demands include a requirement that they have sex at least four times a week and a $1 million fine for lying.

— Internet Movie Database, December 2

AFFIDAVIT OF MARRIAGE

Lester Q. Prickmann, of the law firm Prickmann, Prickmann & Sprog, representing Ben Affleck, a/k/a the Square-Chinned One. And other interested party, J.Lo, Resplendent Babe of Film and Song.

1. WHEREAS, there are no fewer than two mega-celebrities, " I mean huge, " entering into said marriage and, further,

2. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo’s last two relationships ended unpropitiously, re: Messrs. Diddy and Judd, and, further,

3. WHEREAS, Mr. Affleck shall hereby not mention the name P. Diddy, nor use the phrase " peace out, " and, further,

4. WHEREAS, nor shall Mr. Affleck speak of Gwyneth Paltrow, the slut, and, further,

5. WHEREAS, Mr. Affleck shall put in writing that Ms. Lo is a bigger celebrity than he and the slut Paltrow combined, and, further,

7. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo shall dine thrice weekly at L’Orangerie, and the mille-feuille de betterave aux sucs des légumes had better not be stringy, and, further,

8. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo’s delicate skin shall not come into contact with cleaning fluids of any kind, let’s not even go there, and, further,

9. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo shall not be required to sit through Pearl Harbor, ugh, and, further,

10. WHEREAS, Mr. Affleck shall address Ms. Lo by no other name than " Your Hotness, " and, further,

11. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo shall be furnished with as many lime-flavored Starburst fruit chews as she requires, and, further,

12. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo shall not be required to unwrap the fruit chews herself, and, further,

13. WHEREAS, Ms. Lo’s buttocks shall henceforth be deemed " nicer than Janet Jackson’s, " and, further,

14. WHEREAS, any failure by Mr. Affleck to acknowledge the unearthly perfection of said buttocks shall result in the withholding of all sexual favors above the four-times-a-week minimum, and, further,

15. WHEREAS, in any event, Ms. Lo will not be doing that thing with the Oscar that Mr. Affleck seems to like so much, and, further,

16. WHEREAS, Mr. Affleck shall not go within 100 yards of any woman, particularly if the woman is Gwyneth Paltrow, who has no ass, and, further,

17. WHEREAS, any evidence that Mr. Affleck is hitting the bottle, doing lines, or fraternizing with Matt Damon shall be met with a $1 billion fine, and, further,

18. WHEREAS, Mr. Affleck shall lose the chest hair, forthwith, and, while he’s at it, the accent,

THEREFORE,

19. Notice is hereby given that Mr. Affleck, sworn under penalty of perjury, will abide by the terms and conditions hereinabove. If Ms. Lo gets so much as a hint that Mr. Affleck is going bald, the marriage contract will be deemed null and void.

FURTHER, AFFIANT SAITH NAUGHT.

(Signature of Ben Affleck)

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