Since Bernard Cardinal Law threw in the cassock last week, the national media have been abuzz with speculation over who will take over the beleaguered Boston archdiocese. " Who will be the bishop, " mused USA Today, " [to] bring balm to the wounded church? " For the most part, however, the nation’s pundits have been less interested in the who than the what — namely, what kinds of qualities will Boston’s next archbishop need?

According to Catholic strictures, a bishop must be " outstanding in strong faith, good morals, piety, zeal for souls, wisdom, prudence, and other human virtues. " He must also be a he, a priest, and at least 35 years old. Given the — ahem — difficulties of the position, though, potential applicants for Law’s job will likely need a few added qualifications. This week, the nation’s papers have been full of ecclesiastical arbiters — ranging from Oklahoma governor Frank Keating to Catholic Almanac editor Matthew Bunson — informing us what kind of person, exactly, Law’s replacement should be.

First off, we are told that Boston’s next archbishop must be " tough, " a " man who will do the job, size up situations, and make decisions. " He should be " a man of extraordinary courage and wisdom " who " eats 10-penny nails for breakfast " — someone with " pew grit, " " clean hands and a strong arm. " He must be " a money man " with " a CEO profile. " He should not be a " Reverend Snuggly preaching God loves us all. "

The new archbishop must also possess " instant credibility. " He should be " a bishop who knows how to bishop, " " a combination of saint, diplomat, and theologian " who " teaches the faith instead of spending all his time in firefights. " He should have " no arrogance " and " no skeletons in his closet. " He must be " a bishop with a great big heart and a fiscally sound background " because " we’ll read about every overdue library book he’s ever had. "

Not only should Law’s successor be " trusted implicitly, " he must also be " somebody who the priests and even the media in Boston would immediately recognize, " a combination of " media star " and " strong administrator, " someone with " sterling administrative skills, " who is " adept at dealing with a public-relations disaster. " He must wield " a big broom " and " sparkling pastoral talents. " He should also be a member of " the younger generation " who can " give us a fresh view of things. " In other words, the Boston archdiocese is looking for applicants who combine the qualities of Clint Eastwood, Jack Welch, Walter Cronkite, Mahatma Gandhi, Hulk Hogan, Thomas Aquinas, Warren Christopher, Oliver Wendell Holmes, Barney the Dinosaur, Alan Greenspan, James Carville, John Silber, Eliot Ness, Martin Luther King Jr., and Carson Daly. Any takers?