Leave it to a nine-foot snow penis to spark a fierce First-Amendment debate.

— The Harvard Crimson, March 3

Ballad of the Scuppered Cock

It stood erect in Harvard Yard,

A nine-foot snowy penis.

The icy phallus, thick and tall,

To some was simply heinous.

" Har-har! " exclaimed the crew-team boys,

The ones who built the buttress.

" Protected! " cried the free-speech crowd,

" It’s art! " the avant-gardists.

But two young women, students both,

Deplored the white tumescence.

They called it " lewd, " " offensive, " " crass. "

They called it " gendered violence. "

So in the frigid, gloomy night

The women, duly rankled,

Set about the nine-foot cock.

By morn it was " dismantled. "

O once-proud penis! broken tool!

Destroyed, defiled Priapus!

Your time was short but still you caused

A campus-roiling ruckus.

The students and the staff weighed in,

The Crimson published comments.

" The First Amendment’s gone to hell! "

" An end to macho dominance! "

The member wasn’t Herculean,

As phallic symbols go,

But it looms ever larger as

A heap of soggy snow.

The trampled dick of Harvard Yard,

This Bobbitized emeritus —

A testament to rectitude,

The scourge of Veritas.