ANCHOR: Here with a report from the field is our embedded reporter, Jurgen Jappstein. Jurgen?

JAPPSTEIN: I’m here at a CVS, Jim. I can’t say where the store is, for obvious reasons, but I can tell you there are enormous amounts of skin- and hair-care products here, and bottles of talc that emit a fine white powder that permeates everything and makes visibility very, very poor. Otherwise, it’s been a productive couple of days here, Jim. I’m told the sales items are doing better than anyone expected — particularly the Prell — but there have been some hitches. Yesterday, a customer — possibly an old Russian woman — mistook a bottle of Cherry Berry nail polish for an individual serving of borscht and was forced to evacuate her bowels in aisle seven, an incident that may cost the store many hundreds of dollars. Back to you, Jim.

ANCHOR: General, there have been reports lately that many Americans have been following the war’s progress on television while eating ice cream. I’d like to get your thoughts on this, if I may.

GENERAL HARVEY BLUMANGRÜP (RET.): Well, Hank, we are all aware of the perils associated with ice cream. Of particular concern, of course, is the so-called Drip Factor. Can we get the graphic up? Okay, so you have a situation where vanilla ice cream — or strawberry or any other flavor for that matter — may drip into the eater’s crotch. This, as we now know, can necessitate unseemly mopping-up missions. One possible solution is to eat ice cream from a bowl rather than a cone, to minimize drippage. Alternatively, a napkin draped over or across the lap may help. Hank?

ANCHOR: I think we have audio from Peter Peckenino. Peter? No, apparently there is no audio ...

PECKENINO: Hello? I’m standing on a sidewalk in Des Moines, Iowa. There’s a sense of definite foreboding in the population here, Al. It’s Monday morning and many of these people are heading out to work. The sky has turned an eerie blue color, and there are huge white clouds that from time to time actually blot out the sun. Directly before me there is a device — a signal of some kind — that intermittently changes from DON’T WALK to WALK. When this happens, the pedestrians on the curb — there must be dozens of them — move en masse across the street. Others seem to cross willy-nilly, at great personal risk. It really is an awesome and humbling sight. Hello?

ANCHOR: Reporting from the Church of the Dwindling Brow in Pensacola, Florida, is Jamie Bwaha. Jamie?

BWAHA: Early yesterday morning, Jebediah Bob, the minister of this tiny Florida church, caused a storm of controversy by demanding that the US bypass Syria and North Korea in its drive to promote democracy and instead take on Satan, the man Bob calls " evil personified. " [Cut to Reverend Bob]

REVEREND BOB: To President Bush, I say this: the wretches who inhabit the underworld are quite literally going through hell right now. We can no longer afford to stand by and watch these people suffering eternal fire, swarms of vicious bees, and other forms of torture exacted by this vicious madman.

ANCHOR: A controversial position indeed, Jamie. And now we go to Sally Sababas, who has a report on the military benefits of hot chocolate ...