E-Mail This Article to a Friend TURKEY TALK Look what came up at dinner BY CHRIS WRIGHT

One of the best things about Thanksgiving is the food. Not so much that we get to eat it (what is "vegetable salad," anyway?) but that we get to talk about it. The fact is, the longer we can draw out our encomiums to baby carrots, the longer we can avoid discussing current events. "Moist" is a good word to remember, as in, "Mmm, moist." Another one is "Yum." But then there are the words to avoid: "Iraq," "Hillary," "taxes," "Catholic," and "medicinal marijuana." This Thanksgiving, there’s a brand-new peril keeping us on the lookout: "same-sex marriage."

Of course, the issue will come up. We all have at least one uncle who has his doubts about our sexuality — we’ll call him Pete — and Uncle Pete is not going to pass up the chance to take a few digs. "So, er," Pete will say, a forkful of peas hovering at the opening to his big wet mouth. "This homosexual thing ..." In some households, Pete may even add a remark about "Adam and Steve." Either way, the conversational equivalent of a soccer hooligan has been let loose, and, left to its own devices, it will leap onto the table and kick a boatload of gravy into Aunt Agatha’s lap.

The secret to avoiding familial meltdown here is to stay calm. You may feel an urge to blurt out, "Shut up, you boozy old jackass," but that will only curdle the creamed spinach. Instead, you should say, "Moist" and ask someone to pass you those little onions you hate so much. If you still find yourself facing a table full of chewing, staring people, take a deep breath and say, "My car’s been making a weird rattling noise." This should work — no one knows more about weird noises than Uncle Pete — but if it doesn’t, then you are going to have to engage the boozy old jackass.

Rule # 1: Keep your responses general. It’s better to say, "I believe in freedom of choice" than "Gays and lesbians should be able to choose." You may even be able to steer the conversation toward the choice of breakfast cereals at your local supermarket. One caveat: do not use the phrase "pro-choice" — for obvious reasons.

Rule # 2: Never challenge the person who carved the turkey. Even if he or she utters a remark that makes Howie Carr look tolerant, there is something inherent in the office of Turkey Carver that will make its holder fly off the handle at the slightest lack of respect. Avoid saying, "That’s just plain wrong." Instead, try, "I get your point, but more white meat?"

Rule # 3: Watch out for old people. When the aged get involved in debates like this, they become muddled and aggressive — or worse, lewd. You may have a slavering octogenarian point his or her fork at you in an accusatory manner and invoke the name of God. Smile and ignore. If the octogenarian says something about "rubby-rubby," excuse yourself and start on the washing up.

And that’s it. Follow these three simple rules, and you should be able to avoid tears this Thanksgiving. If things do get bad, try to find a bone in the stuffing. Choke on it if you can. Hospital rooms can be marvelously serene places this time of year. And the food’s not that bad, either.