E-Mail This Article to a Friend MOB JOBS Curriculum mortae BY CHRIS WRIGHT

Two long-time mobsters and an associate were indicted yesterday on federal racketeering charges in a case that exposed a rift in the New England mafia, with unhappy soldiers from Boston complaining to the family hierarchy in Rhode Island that they were having trouble making a living in the mob.

[A]ccording to the indictment, [one mobster] complained ... that he could no longer make a living " on the street " and had to get a real job.

— the Boston Globe, December 2

Bobby " Bones " Agonista

EDUCATION

1945-1948

Third grade, Our Lady of the Impeccable Nose, Boston, MA

• Straight-D student

• Perfected school nurse’s handwriting style

• Expelled after setting class hamster on fire

• And Mrs. O’Foggerty’s hair

EXPERIENCE

1946-1958

Juvenile delinquent, Boston, MA

• Developed knack for spitting on cops’ shoes without them noticing

• Cultivated reputation as ladies’ man. Seduced Mrs. O’Foggerty by admiring wig.

• Beat the living Jesus out of tough guy (ha!) Johnny " Nipples " Macaroono

• Thick hair on knuckles by the age of 12

1958-1972

Petty crook, Boston, MA

• Devised effective persuasive method involving Pop Rocks, matches, and the male genitalia

• Learned to hot-wire a car in 10 seconds or under. Stole a hearse.

• Doubled local burglary rate. Known on the street as Mr. Sears.

• Bit Jimmy " Pig Nose " Biglione’s little toe off and wore it on a piece of leather around neck

1972-1981

Inmate, Walpole, MA

• Ran successful shakedown operation

• Kept damn mouth shut

• Never dropped soap in the shower, if you know what I mean

• Crafted the Slammer Slicer, a popular line of toothbrush-and-razor-blade shivs

1981-2003

Street Soldier, Boston, MA

• Organized and motivated a large crew of scumbags

• Displayed a broad range of talents. Equally adept at making cannoli runs or sticking fingers up some no-paying punk’s nose

• Continued to pioneer innovative methods of persuasion. Won widespread praise for puppy-in-the-garbage-disposal technique.

• Nicknamed " David Copperfield " for ability to make people disappear

ATTRIBUTES

• Excellent madman stare

• Look good in double-breasted suit

• Swear constantly

• Good Catholic

INTERESTS

Cadillacs, cufflinks, punching, kicking, gouging, shooting, mayhem, expensive socks, sleeping with prostitutes, stabbing, bludgeoning, dentistry, cocaine

OBJECTIVE

To find a position commensurate with my skills. Would like something involving endless hours of sitting around talking bullshit punctuated by bursts of insane violence. Am willing to relocate to Providence, New York, or Miami. A company car would be nice. Something white. Decent rims. Good-size trunk.