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SPRING FASHION
What were they thinking?
BY CAMILLE DODERO

You don’t have to be a Louis Vuitton–carrying, Prada-wearing fashion snob to recognize when a seasonal clothing line is a bull’s-eye for Queer Eye. It’s not about the cost — H&M and Target have both proven that you can pull off cheap clothes without looking cheap. But sadly, the garment designers at Marshalls, Massachusetts’s inoffensive mall staple that promises "brand names for less every day," haven’t grasped that concept. When a press release touting the Framingham-based store’s spring line crossed the Phoenix’s desk, it went in the trash. But it was so bad, it then came out of the trash and ended up on this page.

Glamour queen [Figure 1]

Catalogue description: "Bold, colorful patterns, shapes, and florals worn with or without matching wraps and metallic accents will be seen poolside."

Description should read: "Drab bathing-suit pattern looks like it’s been splashed in mud. Low-rent, poolside version of Jennifer Lopez circa the 1999 Grammys. Flowery sarong just gaudy enough to be mistaken for an Urban Outfitters tapestry pulled from sorority wall. Don’t forget that geriatric gardening hat."

Meshin’ wit ya [Figure 2]

Catalogue description: "Mesh has got it going on. Wear it over a favorite T-shirt or under a hoodie with cargo pants, miniskirts, or jeans. For a dressier look, you can accent with metal, maybe some silver shoes and big hoop earrings."

Description should read: "Mesh has got it going on — if you’re a pair of gym shorts. Makes boys think you like ESPN’s SportsCenter. The number ‘25’ will indicate how many times a day you have to explain why there are chunky belt buckles on your knees."

Villa capri [Figure 3]

Catalogue description: "Capris with big buttons, lots of zippers, and ties will be prominent. They can be tailored or baggy, cuffed or rolled, in silky, satiny fabrics that will look fabulous paired with a light floral top and stilettos."

Description should read: "Shiny capris with more pockets than a pool table and haphazard stitching. Sewed to look like a C+ home-economics midterm. For a sassy, hanging-at-the-local-bodega look, accent with chewing gum and Rosie Perez pitch. By the way, you look like a five-dollar slut."

Surfer girl [Figure 4]

Catalogue description: "Two-piece suits with Hawaiian florals and prints in a range of bright colors will be hot this summer. Board shorts and totes in matching and complementary colors complete the look."

Description should read: "You don’t look like me. Your big flabby gut will turn these palm trees into the Redwood Forest. Did you hear Dr. Atkins died obese? There is no hope for you. Put on a shirt."


Issue Date: February 13 - 19, 2004
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