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SHHH
Silent Dean
BY CHRIS WRIGHT

Next week, the Coolidge Corner Theatre will host "Silent Shakespeare," a collection of silent-movie adaptations of the Bard’s classic plays. But why stop with Hamlet and King Lear? There are plenty of contemporary tragedies that would lend themselves to the silent treatment — the Howard Dean campaign, for one.

Act I, Scene I

The governor sits in his office in Vermont, balancing the budget and providing health-care coverage for the children. We know it’s Vermont because there’s a deer’s head hanging on the wall and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s ice cream on the desk. An aide bursts in brandishing a civil-union bill. Dean punches the aide in the stomach and points at the ice cream. The ice cream is removed, the bill signed. Fade to black.

Act I, Scene II

The governor sits in his office in Vermont, rubbing the spot where his chin should be and mouthing the words "President Dean" over and over. He wags his finger in the air in a "Eureka!" way and makes a phone call. He grins and takes a swig from a bottle of maple syrup. We see a pair of hands tap-tapping on a computer keyboard, superimposed over an image of American troops in Iraq. Caption: THE FIGHT BEGINS!!!

Act II, Scene I

The candidate is borne aloft on the shoulders of a crowd of badly dressed youngsters in downtown DC. Hundred-dollar bills rain from the sky. Dean shakes his fist in the direction of the White House. There is a fire in his eye and a set of clenched teeth somewhere in the region of his chest. Cut to a bustling newsroom, the huge, wheeling rollers of a printing press, and the simple headline: DEAN!

Act II, Scene II

A steam train hurtles down the track, a plane courses along a runway, a dolphin skims on its tail along the surface of the ocean. A dotted line progresses along a map, from Vermont to New Hampshire to an uncharted section labeled "Midwest." We see an anxious-looking John Kerry glad-handing like a madman, a jittery John Edwards standing before a mirror practicing his smile, Wesley Clark playing Risk in an oak-paneled den.

Act III, Scene I

We see Dean, surrounded by flower-toting children, his shirtsleeves rolled up almost to his shoulders, his face a grimace, the ever-shaking fist. Cut to a dank DC barroom, where two men — a captain of industry and a media baron — huddle conspiratorially. Then a voting booth, a close-up of the name "Kerry" with an X beside it. Another Kerry, another X, another, another. Back to Dean, embracing a retired sewing-machine repairman. Dark clouds gather behind them.

Act III, Scene II

The candidate stands before his supporters, pulling at his hair. The camera zooms to his eye, which is wide and looking off to the side, a madman’s eye. Then the howling, gaping mouth. A startled-looking audience member. Caption: YAAAARRGGH! A fleck of spit shoots from Dean’s mouth and lands on the camera lens. Various shots of animals in the wild: charging chimpanzees, mating lions.

Act IV

Dean whips his campaign manager with a length of electrical cord, then walks out before his supporters. There are three of them. He clenches his hands above his head, a gesture of triumph. We see the last few grains of sand drain from an egg timer, a few crumpled dollar bills drifting by like tumbleweeds. Back in Vermont, shabby youths gaze despondently at their laptops. One stands and approaches the camera. His T-shirt says KERRY FOR PRESIDENT. Finally, the youth’s shirt obscures the lens completely. Credits.


Issue Date: February 20 - 26, 2004
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