E-Mail This Article to a Friend EMOTIONAL RESCUE Valentine’s Day nostrums for the lovesick and love-starved BY MIKE MILIARD

To be clear: the Love Drug™, a recently released romance enhancer whose active ingredient is a newly invented chemical compound known as myjunkxafloppin, has nothing whatsoever to do with the drugs flogged in those ads. Y’know, the ones with the randy retirees and the voice-overs warning of pill-induced priapism. "This drug does not provide libidinal support in that way," says its inventor, artist Roland Smart. "Although, as it says, it may increase sexual stimulation."

Instead, the Love Drug™ and its antidotal counterpart, the Unlove Drug™ (active ingredient: nojunkxafloppin), are meant to foster romantic feelings and to erase them, respectively. And while the capsules bear a suspicious resemblance to candy hearts, there’s little doubt as to their inventor’s pseudopharmaceutical bona fides. We knew Smart was a crackerjack craftsman and curator — he directed the late, lamented Gallery Bershad in Davis Square and still puts together exhibits of his and others’ works — but we were unaware he was such an assiduous student of the Book of Love. "Dr. Smart is world renowned for his revolutionary research into the amatory system in humans and other animals," reads the bio on the drugs’ Web site. "He was the youngest student to achieve an advanced medical degree from Eros University Medical School, where he is now a tenured professor in the new Amatory Science Department."

But even lab-coat-clad Lotharios get the Valentine’s Day blues. "I have to confess that this came out of the fact that I am fairly recently single," Smart says. "I think anybody can relate to this. When you end a relationship, you’re often still in love with that person, and it’s hard to get over them. The idea behind the Unlove Drug™ is that this can kind of iron out the creases in that process." On the other hand, "for those chronic bachelors among us who need to settle down and truly fall in love, there’s the Love Drug™."

Smart is marketing these medical miracles to men and women, individuals and groups. ("Polygamous relationships are not the easiest things to hold together," writes a "Mistress Ivana" on the site’s testimonials page, claiming that Love Drug™ was nonetheless responsible for "a 20 person Love Fest!") That ain’t all. Having a hard time breeding your prized Labradoodles? The Love Drug™ works for pets, too. Even non-carbon-based beings can benefit. "As a robot, I am incapable of emotions such as love," reads one testimonial, from Killbot KB-571. "[But] I can say that Love Drug™ has improved my human-slaughtering efficiency by .0013467%." Love Drug™, of course, is also ideal for arranged marriages.

Smart claims there’s no danger of developing a Love Drug™ dependency, but does warn that it’s possible to overdo it. "Overdosing on Love Drug™ leads to ‘One Love Syndrome,’ at which point you essentially fall in love with everyone and everything around you, which leads to social dysfunction," he says. "The only other counterindication on the drug is that you cannot take Love Drug™ and Unlove Drug™ simultaneously."

Each panacea comes packaged in a childproof bottle filled with 25 tablets (50 milligrams each). "For the drug to be fully effective, you have to complete the whole course of medication, like an antibiotic," Smart says. Unlike antibiotics, however, with these pills it’s okay to imbibe while medicated, so feel free to throw back a glass or three of pinot grigio at that romantic and expensive candlelight dinner. "Actually, it says on the instructions that the effects of Love Drug™ may be enhanced by alcohol," he points out.

The Love Drug™ and the Unlove Drug™ are available together for $20 at www.rolandsmart.com/loved/home.html.