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PERSONALLY
The marriage trap
BY MICHAEL AMICO

Gay and straight mainstream media tell us that marriage is the main issue for gay people, but that’s not true. Young gay people, like me and my college-age friends, for the most part aren’t buying the marriage package. Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with marriage equality, which should be welcomed as a long-overdue extension of equal rights. Still, we think that all the drum-banging about "gay" marriage erases the sex part of sexual identity in favor of an acceptable image of assimilated and "responsible" gay people. And that disfigures both the history and the future of gay culture.

All gay people are not the same. Of the registered 4729 same-sex couples who were married in Massachusetts since May 17, 2004, 1686 were male and 3043 were female, according to Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders. These numbers offer clear indication that lesbians and gay men do not desire marriage in equal measure. With few exceptions — a telling piece by Ginia Bellafante in last Sunday’s New York Times, for example — the mainstream media have covered the marriage-equality controversy with the presumption that all gay people want to get married. Gay-rights activists do not question this misguided notion because, to their way of thinking, success hinges on gay people being accepted as "normal" — that is, respectful of the sexual fidelity demanded by the institution.

Rather than insisting that marriage will make gay people’s lives better, we should be more concerned with how gay people, specifically gay men, actually live their lives and how marriage might be tailored to fit that reality. I can’t speak for young lesbians, but I can say that the rhetoric of the marriage debate assumes something about many gay men’s sexual expression — my own included — that is simply not true.

Many times, two men who commit their lives to each other still have sex with other people. It’s an integral part of their relationship. Is this committed relationship a marriage? Yes. Does it conform to how society, including gay-rights activists, traditionally regards marriage? No. I would rather not use the word "marriage" to describe gay men’s committed relationships at all. Marriage, like virginity, is a heterosexual concept. Neither the word nor the institution belongs in my vision of gay culture.

Indeed, many people who might benefit from marriage would never be selected by gay-rights activists to promote marriage equality because they do not represent the correct image. For example, an older friend of mine and his partner would benefit directly from the rights bestowed by marriage. One of them is a Canadian citizen who’s in the United States on a trade NAFTA visa and risks being deported every day. If they got married, the Canadian citizen could get his permanent visa and feel safe and secure living with his partner in Vermont. But gay-rights activists would view this couple as poor spokesmen for marriage equality because of their non-monogamous relationship. They would never be allowed to stand up in front of the legislature and reveal that they not only have a third primary partner, but frequently have sex with their friends. The gay-rights movement must find ways to protect these gay couples without requiring them to lie about their lives to get basic rights.

As a young gay man uninterested in monogamy, I have many older gay-male role models with whom I can talk about politics and sex. But marriage-equality activists who are fighting for the traditional conception of marriage for gay people haven’t asked me for my opinion. Nor do I expect them to be interested, because it doesn’t fit their assimilationist agenda. Marriage-equality activists are essentially pressuring gay youth to keep quiet about their past, present, and future sexual lives. Frankly, we need to speak more openly about how we think, act, and feel about sex. The single-minded promotion of gay marriage is preventing these dialogues from happening. As a consequence, gay youth suffer shame and confusion about their sexual lives, and are unable to negotiate safe sex with the reality of multiple partners.


Issue Date: May 13 - 19, 2005
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