Doesn't getting out of bed just suck? It’s such a problem for me that I have two alarm clocks: one next to the bed to deliver the initial shock, another far across the room — set 20 minutes later — that requires me to trudge somnolently across cold hardwood to quiet its screech. Thus is the final deathblow delivered to my reverie. Oh, the pain.

But there are better ways. The explosion of technological innovation in the past decade has not been limited to computers. Alarm clocks, too, have evolved to the point where the daily, universally experienced affront to humanity known as waking up is rendered, if not exactly fun, at least somewhat easier to bear.

Exhibit A: Shake Awake, the Vibrating Alarm Clock ($24.95). Sick of the shrill blare of your digital alarm? Can’t find just the right balance between the soothing cadences of NPR and the harsh bombast of nu-metal on your FM dial? Fear not. Originally intended for the deaf and hearing-impaired, Shake Awake offers the ideal way to ease into your day. Clip this neat little contraption to the underside of your pillow, and you’ll be roused silently and effectively by its gentle vibrations. As an added bonus, you’ll also be kept safe from projectiles hurled by roommates who don’t have to be up as early as you (lucky bastards).

Then again, maybe you do like pain and abuse. Maybe you’re the kind of lazy slob who can be roused only by a good old-fashioned upbraiding. If so, the Rude Awakening Alarm Clock ($19.99) is for you. It starts nicely enough, some guy with a sandpaper Noo Yawk grumble politely imploring, “Hey. Hey, you ... wake up.” But soon enough he’s berating you mercilessly, to the tune of various clanging and whiz-banging cartoon sound effects: “Listen, you goodfernuthin’ couch potato! Drag yer fat, lazy ass out from under those crusty sheets, now! ... Do you wanna be flippin’ burgers for the rest of your life?” For those parents who’d like to get sleepy children to school on time but don’t want them to hear the potty talk, the device also comes in a version that bleeps out the word “ass.” It leaves in the “crusty sheets” part, though.

For a more classy, perhaps more spiritual awakening, try the Soleil Sun Alarm ($119 — not to be confused with Soleil Moon Frye of Punky Brewster fame). It lures the supine user back from the land of Nod with gradually increasing light, meant to simulate sunrise. Your “body wakes instinctively,” company literature chirps, “as if waking with the light of the sun.” Leaving aside the fact that sunrises don’t usually occur on night tables, the effectiveness of this method remains to be proven, as does the Sun Alarm’s claim to raise energizing serotonin levels.

Keeping with the celestial theme, the Alien e-Clock ($49.95) is a great blend of form and function. It sure looks cute, with its light-up antennae and its face “like a friendly alien.” But the neat thing about the e-Clock is its ability to download a 50-second snatch of the sound of your choice — any CD, WAV, or MP3 file, as well as a selection of sounds available at www.eclockusa.com. Among those on offer: several types of birds, a mosquito (?!), and, um, a clock.

Where to get it:

• Shake Awake is available at www.shakeawake.com

or (800) 599-5321.

• The Rude Awakening Alarm Clock is available at most Spencer Gifts stores.

• Soleil Sun Alarm is available at www.soleilsunalarm.com.

• Alien e-Clock is available at www.eclockusa.com.

Issue Date: March 22-29, 2001