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One day of hell
Getting to know G4TechTV
BY JIM MURRAY

This past week, I decided to spend most of my Columbus Day partaking in what I considered to be a public service for you, the loyal Phoenix reader. Actually, it wasn’t so much "public service" as much as it was sheer mind-numbing torture. No, I didn’t spend the day playing some steaming pile like Superman 64 or Outlaw Volleyball. Nope, I didn’t even play any games at all. What I did do was watch eight straight hours of G4TechTV.

In case you’ve never come across G4TechTV (it’s channel 219 for Comcast digital-cable subscribers), it’s the world's first 24-hour cable channel dedicated to the wonderful world of video games (Think of it as a "shitty MTV for video games"). And yeah, I know what you're thinking: "But Jim! MTV is already shitty! How can something like that possibly be worse?" Well, believe me, it can. (At least MTV has True Life: "My Summer on The Jersey Shore," which is quite possibly the greatest hour in the history of broadcast television. "Let’s go get some CHEESE BAWLS!")

Oh yeah, sorry. Let’s get back to my day of hell watching G4TechTV. With apologies to Sir Elton, we’ll start at zero hour, 9 a.m.

9:00 A.M. -- I pour my first cup o’ joe and sit down to watch Screen Savers, a half-hour show all about PCs and related PC products and whatnot. I’m already angry. See, I’m one of those Mac guys, and I despise PCs and PC geeks. This show is informative for those kinds of people, but for me? No thanks.

9:27 A.M. -- I pour my second cup of coffee and get ready to settle in for a different show. That’s when I realize Screen Savers is an hour long. What? How much longer can these dorks discuss "the hot new laptops"? Look, I won’t lie: I’ve stopped paying attention to this show. It’s about as entertaining as sitting in a high-school computer class. I’m going to make some eggs.

10:00 A.M. -- Time for Electric Playground! No, it’s not a gay club. It’s a half-hour show that mostly covers game reviews, which in theory isn’t a bad idea . . . if the games they reviewed weren't six months old! The two hosts, "straight guy" Victor Lucas and "wacky-Mario Cantone-lookalike" Tommy Tallarico, did the ol’ "thumbs-up/thumbs-down" for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (it sucks), Final Fantasy XI (it’s amazing), and a preview of Half-Life 2 (it’ll come out when the Big Dig is finished). Look, this show wouldn’t be half-bad if they reviewed recent games, and if someone put out of his misery the over-opinionated Tallarico. I’m sorry, that’s too harsh. I’m just bitter because my eggs tasted like ass.

10:30 A.M. Arena: this show pits two teams of geeks against each other in a series of videogame events. Oh yeah, just what everyone wants: watching guys who don’t even know what a woman feels like beating the hell out each other in Mechwarrior 4 and Unreal Tournament. This show is awful. Who would watch this on purpose other than these geeks' (ahem) friends?

11:00 A.M.Icons. One of the only good shows on the G4TechTV network. This show focuses on the "movers and shakers" (God, I despise that term) of the video-game industry. It’s done in a documentary style, and this particular episode focused on the guys from Bioware, otherwise known as the developers who made the amazing Knights Of The Old Republic for Xbox. This is good, informative stuff.

11:30 A.M.Cinematech. This show is basically a half-hour commercial for a bunch of games. Seriously, there’s no dorky hosts, no set, no nothing. Just video grabs of games that may or may not even be out yet. Apparently I caught an episode that focused on the "already out" side of things, considering they showed a good five minutes of Final Fantasy X – which was released in, oh, I don't know, 2001?

Noon -- It’s time for Pulse, which is essentially G4’s news show. Pulse is very good, and thankfully up-to-date. For instance, I learned that Bungie has finished Halo 2 (thank you God), and I got a behind-the-scenes look at the "Tokyo Game Show" where Sony let people actually play with their new PSP handheld. The show does have its problems, though. For one thing, it’s an hour long (why?), and co-host Patrick Clark looks and acts like he’s made of wood. Overall though, Pulse is a keeper. Bonus points too for the show's other co-host, Amanda McKay. Girl is F-I-N-E FINE!

1:00 P.M.X-Play. This is another review show, though it does have one gut-wrenching aspect to it that may just make it the worst show on this network. And just what is that one thing? It’s none other than Satan himself, co-host Adam Sessler. Seriously, people, if you get this channel, please do yourself a favor and make time to catch this show so you can see this man in action. How this man got a job in television, I’ll never know. He acts like a goddamn five-year-old – which, considering the station's "key demographic," I can see why he does. I mean, that’s who they are pandering to. However, this ass-clown Sessler is like 40 years old! And dude’s going bald, too! The only good thing about this episode was a preview of Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. And oh yeah: the other co-host, Morgan Webb, is easy on the eyes . . . but Adam Sessler? I’m telling you, the man nearly made my eyes bleed. Awful show. Just awful.

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Issue Date: October 22 - 28, 2004
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