E-Mail This Article to a Friend The Spike and the damage done A running diary of Spike TV's Video Game Awards BY AARON SOLOMON

Pre-Show

8:30 P.M. – Brooke Burke, doing her best Jenna Jameson impersonation, starts the evening off completely overexcited (this would be a common theme for the night), calling Snoop a "Rad, Renaissance man!" If being a Renaissance man means knowing how best to spin a spliff, then Snoop and my buddy Chris have got to be two of the raddest, Renaissanciest men out there.

She then asks Frankie "Don’t Call Me Malcolm" Muniz this hard-hitting question: "What’s unique about this show?" This is what prospective journalists go to school for? It’s only 8:32, and if Walter Cronkite were legally dead, he would roll over in his grave. Thankfully, he’s not, and soon we get a preview of some of the hottest games for next year, including the new Area 51.

This gets me thinking: isn’t bringing back Area 51 at this point in time a little like Sherry Stringfield returning to ER? They were both about the greatest thing ever, and then they retire and in their place appear shiny, sexier versions of themselves. When the originals return, we’re supposed to be all excited? Incidentally, Area 51 looks frickin’ sweet!

8:35 – B.B. interviews two anonymous pyrotechnic wizards. Her question of "What exactly are pyrotechnics?" leads to an awkward moment when they strap her down, blow her up and reply, "Got any more questions, Brainiac?"

8:39 – Sneak Peek 2: First glimpse of the new Zelda, which looks an awful lot like Wind Waker. Being an Xbox owner, I remember that I couldn't care less. (This is also the first example of, "Well, that segment sucked, so let's do some shameless self-promoting!").

8:42 – B.B. interviews Tony Hawk, who’s wearing his best "I should never have pissed my agent off" face. "How many awards is this?" she asks, to which the Hawkman replies, "I don’t know." Journalistic dynamite!

8:44 – The Elektra movie actually looks half-decent. That’s more than can be said of Daredevil.

8:46 – Derek Jeter stars in a PSA about video-game ratings. Doesn’t Scarlett Johansson know this guy sucks?

8:49 – Sneak Peek 3: ESPN 2K5 Basketball and Scarface, which is pretty much Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, which itself was actually Grand Theft Auto: Scarface. Either way, it’s gonna sell like hotcakes, Jerry, hotcakes!

8:50 – Shameless Self-Promotion Alert: Tara Reid plugs her new videogame-based movie, Alone in the Dark, marking the first time Tara Reid ever plugged anything. For some reason, Bobby Crosby, the least well-known baseball Rookie of the Year ever, makes an appearance. I think he got lost on his way to the ESPYs.

The Show

9:00 – The Source Awards are beginning on BET, and I’ve never wanted two VCRs more in my life. Meanwhile, Snoop plays golf with Tiger Woods for some reason, and a CG Ludacris dissolves into the real Ludacris (which is certainly ludicrous in itself) for the opening number. I don’t know, but I could swear I heard Sam Kinison in there too. Someone check and see if these two ever did a "Mash-up."

9:05 – The opening number goes on, with Method and Red in some sort of "Beat It"/"Breakin’" contest in which many people get served. I check my cable box to see if I’m on the wrong station. Nope.

9:07 – The opening number goes on, this time with Busta Busta rapping at the speed of sound.

9:10 – Funk Master Flex introduces host Snoop Dogg (finally!) as being a "True game playa [sic] who plays no games." It appears as if Snoop’s pimp outfit is still at the cleaners.

9:12 – Snoop, along with some Victoria Secret models (yay!) announce the night’s first recipient of the "Vector Monkey" trophy, which is a name with so many connotations. The award is for Best Performance by a Human Female (thanks for the qualification) and the winner is Brooke Burke – not necessarily because she is the best, but because she’s the only nominee to actually show up. Somewhere, Dame Judi Dench is furious.

9:19 – "Hot Girls Reading Cheat Codes." In high school, these girls wouldn’t have touched you with a five-foot joystick, and now they’re telling you how to skip to level 6 in Ninja Gaiden?

9:22 – Freddy Adu and Bobby Crosby, aside from causing everyone in the audience to scratch their heads and ask, "Who are these guys?," announce the Best First Person Shooter. In the second example of honoring attendees, Ron Perlman accepts the award for Halo 2, saying "This is the best I ever looked." Not counting Beauty and the Beast, obviously.

9:31 – "Crackalickin’" leaves Snoop’s mouth for the 1000th time of the hour. Plus a cool two- or three-minute movie of the new Godfather game, which is basically a CG Vito Corleone making his "Someday I will call on you" speech. It’s the most alive Marlon Brando has looked since The Island of Doctor Moreau.

9:33 – Meanwhile, on BET, rap music is still popular.