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Love limbo Dear Dr. Lovemonkey, I’m 22 and went out with one guy from when I was 19 until last year. He was my first serious boyfriend, and when we broke up, about 11 months ago, I was devastated. Since then, I’ve only gone out with one other guy, but I was hoping for my ex to come back the whole time. Presently, I’m not seeing anyone, but every time I go through the part of town where my ex lives, I look for his car and other signs of him. I don’t know what to do! I don’t seem to be getting over this, even without any realistic hope that he’ll be coming back to me. (He is involved with someone else and it appears that they’re happy.) What can I do? — Heartbroken and Unhappy Dear Heartbroken and Unhappy, When you’ve loved someone, the feelings never totally disappear, but they do fade with time. Because you’re holding a torch for your ex and refusing to fully accept the reality of what has happened, you’re inadvertently prolonging your own misery. Here’s something you could try. I assume your ex was not perfect and there were things about him that you did not always like. Make a list of these things and study it carefully. Whenever you miss him, check out the list. And while you’re checking out the list, think of other guys you know who do not manifest these negative qualities. There are a lot of people out there and there’s undoubtedly someone better suited to you than your ex. This list idea might not work for you, but you have to stop holding out hope that your former boyfriend will return. Try to discipline yourself not to look for his car. Try to get involved with other people (not in a romantic way — you’re not ready for that yet) and other activities. Time will heal your wounds, but you’ve got to give this a chance. Dear Dr. Lovemonkey, I met a man on the Internet about six months ago. At first we were both sort of irritating each other, but after I while I fell for him. He’s 42 and I’m 31. He’s told me that he has three children, two with one ex-girlfriend and another with a more recent girlfriend. He’s not involved with either of them anymore, but he does have a presence in his children’s lives. He also has acknowledged to me that he has communicated with other women over the Internet. I appreciate his honesty in all of this, and recently, he told me that he thinks he’s falling for me. We live about 700 miles away from each other, but he says he wants to come and visit some time after October. I am very interested, and at the same time, very confused. I don’t want to have sex with him right away, but yet I’m intrigued. Should I let him visit? Am I acting dangerously? — Confused but Interested Dear Confused but Interested, There is good reason for you to be confused. There is always danger with Internet " relationships " because 1) they aren’t really relationships and rely heavily on extended fantasies, and 2) more importantly, you don’t really know the other person. People can say anything about themselves via e-mail, and you have no way of being able to confirm the truthfulness of these claims. Obviously, you’ll learn a whole lot more about someone if you meet him face to face, witness his body language, watch how he acts, and assess his honesty and integrity from up close. This is not, however, without danger. I’m sure you’ve read the stories about Internet predators. You’re an adult. If you choose to meet this guy, I’d suggest that it be in a public place, perhaps with one or two good friends there as well. (Their input as to what they think of this guy might be of value.) I can only remind you that there are a number of risks associated with such a move. And, by the way, I’m not entirely certain what " being a presence " in his children’s lives actually amounts to. Be very careful. Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.
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