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Strung out Dear Dr. Lovemonkey, Why do so many companies and businesses play music over the phone when you’re placed on hold? Even more to the point, why are their musical " selections " so abysmal? I don’t know about you, but if I hear the Hollyridge Strings’ interpretation of the Beatles songbook once more while on hold, I’m going to scream. What can be done about ending this despicable practice? — Annie Dear Annie, Sadly, there’s nothing the public can do to change this situation. Organizations that purchase phone systems with built-in Muzak components are unlikely to stop unless there’s an outcry similar to the reaction against telemarketing, but I don’t see this happening. I’d suggest seeking a bit of revenge for your own satisfaction. This could be accomplished by having a music playback system situated near your phone. When an actual human finally comes to the line, tell the person, " I just listened to your music, and now I’d like to play you some of mine. " At this point, try something like " I Love You, Big Dummy, " by Captain Beefheart and His Magic Band (from the 1971 album Lick My Decals Off, Baby). This tune will generally stop anyone in their tracks. Dear Dr. Lovemonkey, I’ve been going out with a wonderful guy for about three months. We are both in our early 30s and neither of us have ever been married. He, however, had a child a few years back with a girlfriend, and has been intending to have a vasectomy ever since, but hasn’t gotten around to it. We have talked about a future together and I’ve told him that I’ve always wanted children. He does not seem to respond, telling me that he’s still going to get a vasectomy and, in fact, has an appointment in a few weeks. Since he’s on good terms with his ex and has visitation rights, he tells me that I’ll be in his daughter’s life. But that is not what I want. I can’t seem to get through to him that I want children of our own, not just to be the stepmother of someone else’s child. What can I do? — Desperate Dear Desperate, Tell him you’re dead serious about wanting children of your own. You must demand that the vasectomy be off-limits. If he won’t go along (and judging from what you’ve told me, I suspect he won’t), you should get out of the relationship. Not just because he won’t cancel the vasectomy, but because he’s shown that he’s not very interested in your most important desires. This is not the guy for you. There are plenty of men out there who would love to have a family and he’s not one of them. If this is a top priority of yours, you should seek a more compatible and understanding partner. Dear Dr. Lovemonkey, I like to travel, and because I am single, I usually travel alone. The only problem is how guys constantly hit on me whenever I’m on vacation. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but I find it incredibly rude and overly aggressive when these men come on to me. Got any suggestions on how to nip this in the bud? — Put Upon Dear Put Upon, Why in the world you would be concerned about the feelings of people who are rude and thoughtless? My suggestion is a little phrase that goes something like this: " Please leave me alone. " Send questions and romantic quandaries to RUDYCHEEKS@prodigy.net.
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