May/June

The name of the blame

We used to worry about creeping fascism, but those days are over. By May, Bush had it jogging.

In May, Court-appointed-Bush-administration officials said the new International Criminal Court would get no cooperation from the United States — outside of necessitating it.

In light of the upcoming ban on soft money in federal elections, a May Republican corporate fundraiser was the equivalent of throwing a keg party at the entrance to an AA meeting.

Viper extraordinaire Karl Rove’s White House duties began to decrease as he geared up to head Bush’s 2004 organization — the Committee to Re-appoint the President, or CRAP.

Revelations about 9/11 ran from a trickle to a gusher in mid May, as the country tried to decide what was more shocking: the fact that Bush knew something or the fact that he knew anything.

The FBI stuck to its standard policy and refrained from commenting on Special Agent Coleen Rowley’s 9/11 whistle-blowing letter until the agency had a chance to rewrite it.

The US intelligence community’s 9/11 impotence was directly traceable to its unwieldiness, so what was the proposed remedy? Bloat the bureaucracy to provide more chains of command to use as downward conduits for blame the next time the system fails miserably. Intelligence "reform" is nothing more than an authoritarian make-work program.

Despite the FBI’s admission that it dropped the 9/11 ball, officials who blew it got promotions, the organization received a huge increase in funds, and almost any constraints against its use of police-state tactics are now history. It just goes to show you that when you take the fall for the Court-appointed Bush administration, you land somewhere soft.

As the first post-9/11 Memorial Day approached, New York City was singled out for several color-coded warnings. This blatantly political diversion was akin to yelling "Priest!" in a roomful of altar boys.

Bush made another embarrassing trip in late May, this time to Europe. In France, he spoke at the American Cemetery in Normandy on Memorial Day and was the stiffest person in the place. It would have been more fitting for Dubya to speak at the grave of an AWOL National Guardsman who got killed in a holiday-weekend drunk-driving accident.

Court-appointed president Bush underwent a colonoscopy, in late June, during which doctors successfully located his head, but only after performing an emergency procedure to remove the entire Fox News Network.

July/August

Bottom-line democracy

"I cannot think of a time when business overall has been held in less repute."

— Henry M. Paulson Jr., CEO of Goldman Sachs.

"We’re going to run the country like a corporation."

— George W. Bush, on the 2000 presidential-campaign trail

Court-appointed president Bush surprised many people during a Wall Street speech by demonstrating that he could actually wink and nod simultaneously. He gave the speech in front of a backdrop that said "corporate responsibility" while proposing reforms that had fewer teeth than a National Hockey League old-timers game.

In August, the prescription-drug plan died in the Senate, and many elderly Americans are likely to follow suit.

CNN showed awful footage of a dog dying from an apparent gassing by Al Qaeda. After years of corroborated stories concerning the Pentagon testing chemical weapons on innocent animals, it was good to see this horror brought to the public’s attention. It was now clear that Al Qaeda possessed the weaponry to take on the SPCA.

In late August, the court-appointed prez went to Oregon, where he gave a speech in which he explained why logging must be stepped up because the only way to eradicate forest fires is to eliminate forests. Smuggy the Unbearable’s reminder: only YOU can prevent forests!

Dr. Robert J. Goldstein of St. Petersburg, Florida, was charged with possessing a non-registered destructive device and attempting to use an explosive to damage and destroy Islamic centers. He allegedly had 40 weapons, 30 explosive devices, a list of about 50 Islamic worship centers in Florida, and detailed plans to bomb an Islamic education center. If Goldstein’s name were "Muhammad," I’m guessing he’d have been described as an "Islamic fundamentalist" rather than as a "Florida podiatrist."

By late August, Bush had built a broad domestic and international coalition on Iraq — in opposition to his policies.

A nice pre-emptive strike by the US Court of Appeals for the Sixth Circuit, in Cincinnati, which ruled that Bushcists could no longer deport people in secrecy, declaring, "Democracy dies behind closed doors."

To which an insolent Kaiser Ashcroft responded, "Yes ... and ... ??"

September/October

Virginia is for Lugars

On September 11, the first anniversary of the terrorist attacks on the USA was observed by a moment of silence surrounded by 23 hours and 59 minutes of blaring hype.

Jan Brandt, the vermin behind the plague of AOL discs mailed by the gross to every man, woman, child, and farm animal in North America, was fired. Here’s hoping they sent him three-dozen copies of the dismissal letter.

Voting irregularities in the Democratic gubernatorial primary invoked the six scariest words in American politics: Florida is back in the news.

Those six words were repeated when a latter-day Gladys Kravitz named Eunice Stone lifted her head from the pancake trough at a Florida Shoney’s just long enough to racially profile a couple of American doctors of Middle Eastern descent. The victims of her misjudgment got put in the cross hairs of every cop in Florida. The news networks aired wild rumors about exploding luggage and nuclear targets. An entire interstate highway was shut down. In the end, the men were guilty of one thing: stopping at the wrong bad restaurant.

Bush took his case for war to the American people on October 7. He kept saying, "Americans speak with one voice" And apparently the voice emanated from its ass. The scariest part of the speech was when Bush said Americans wouldn’t live in fear. Right, interstate highways were getting closed on the word of one busybody, but we weren’t living in fear.

The fear line got extended applause because everyone was afraid to stop clapping. Brazilians unleashed a weapon of mass destruction — the ballot — when 52 million of them voted for their new president, Lula da Silva, a leftist.

Congress caved in and authorized Bush to wage war at whim upon Iraq. The most disappointing member of the long list of those who voted "yea" was Massachusetts senator John Kerry, who was facing a fierce re-election campaign against no one.

A shooting rampage gripped the Washington, DC, area, reminding us that guns enslave much more frequently than they liberate. Several of the sniper victims were pumping gas. This resulted in a new pricing structure: self-serve, $1.39/gal; full serve, $5.99/gal. Two men were arrested just in time for there to be no substantial debate about anything during the midterm-election campaigns.

Jimmy Carter drew reactionary ire for winning the Nobel Peace Prize just as we were consecrating our nation for the holy sacrament of war.

The difference between Iraq’s alleged desire to possess weapons of mass destruction and North Korea’s admission that it is well on the way to having them is simple: should something go wrong with Iraq’s weapons, it could damage oil fields, whereas North Korea’s weapons most likely would harm only Asians.

Did you know? The same people who calculate royalties for record companies work weekends estimating the size of crowds at peace rallies, and the crowd estimates never include the FBI agents.

October ended with the horrible news of the deaths of Senator Paul Wellstone, his wife Sheila, daughter Marcia, three staff members, and two pilots in a small plane crash in Minnesota. Wellstone had composed about 60 percent of all the great people in the Senate.