[Camera pans down a long line of nervous couples.]

Women have come from all over Greater New England to have their boyfriends evaluated by our crack team of professional appraisers. So, without further ado, let’s get right to the action.

[Cut to a man sitting on a stool, flanked by his girlfriend and a bookish female appraiser.]

Appraiser: Well, Tina, tell me a little bit about the piece you brought here today. How did you come into possession of this one?

Tina: George and I met at a party about six months ago. I thought he had nice eyes, and he was, like, the only guy there who wasn’t totally trashed. We talked for a while, and then he offered to drive me home. He sorta never left. It’s been fun, but lately I’ve been wondering what George is really worth. You know, is he a good enough piece to hold as a long-term investment, or is he just another cheap imitation? I don’t know enough about this to evaluate him myself, so I thought I’d bring him to a professional.

Appraiser: Tina, I’m glad you did. I can tell right away that this piece is probably of Southern European descent, most likely the Alentejo region of Portugal or eastern Spain, possibly mixed with some Slavic ancestry, likely from Poland, the Gdansk region, dating back to, looks like, 1965. It certainly wasn’t the best year for this model, but this one seems to be in excellent condition, except for the small scar across his lower forehead. That’s going to decrease his value slightly. Does he have any other non-original markings?

Tina: His left ear is pierced and he has a Harley tattoo on his right calf.

Appraiser: Hmm. George, may I see the tattoo? [George lifts cuff. Appraiser peers through her bifocals.] Excellent tattoo workmanship ... or at least it was when originally done 10 years ago. It seems rather dull and greenish now, though. That may decrease his value somewhat if you’re thinking resale.

Tina: I was afraid of that.

Appraiser: George, when is Tina’s birthday?

George: Um, I think, um, it’s like, in December sometime?

Tina [whacking George’s arm]: It’s June 5, you trout.

Appraiser: There are a lot of pieces like this on the boyfriend market right now, so I wouldn’t expect his worth to be tremendously high. I would evaluate George as a good, basically sound piece, although sporting some rather bourgeois design details and with a questionable history, judging by the tattoo, but disastrously self-centered. I would appraise him as a strong Òfling,Ó with very little Òserious boyfriendÓ potential after six to eight months.

[Cut to another couple, Bill and Nancy, sitting at a desk with a male appraiser, dressed nattily with an ascot.]

Appraiser [squeezing Bill’s biceps]: He seems fundamentally sound. Nice lines — good design. His footwear selection is very nice. Bruno Maglis, yes? The fact that he’s not wearing khakis immediately marks him as one of the better pieces from this particular year and region. However, he has a Caesar hairstyle, which was the height of fashion back in 55 BC. Today reproductions of this style have become quite popular, but most of them aren’t very good. Tell me, Nancy, does he leave the seat down when he urinates?

Nancy: Well ...

Appraiser: An honest answer now could save you nasty buyer litigation later if you decide to put him on the market.

Nancy: Sometimes he does.

Appraiser: Is he nice to his mother?

Nancy [excitedly]: Yes. Yes. He’s very nice to his mother.

Appraiser: Too nice?

Nancy: No, no. Just the right amount of nice.

Appraiser: College? Is he employed?

Nancy: Went to UMass but dropped out junior year. He’s a manager at an insurance company.

Appraiser: Does he phone if he’s going to be late?

Nancy: Most of the time.

Appraiser: I think that this is a very nice specimen, in remarkably good shape for its age, and acquiring a very pleasing patina with the years. As long as he remains structurally sound, I would value him a strong Òhold,Ó with Òserious commitmentÓ potential in 14 to 18 months. He’d probably make an excellent father and husband. Is that about what you expected?

Nancy: No! Wow. I had no idea he was worth that much. This is great!

[Cut to another couple, Laura and Ted, whose ill-fitting suit is obviously an attempted restoration to increase his value, with a young, buxom female appraiser. Ted stares at her breasts.]

Appraiser: Laura, this next question is difficult, but it’s very important for the evaluation process. How is he in the sack?

Laura: What!?

Appraiser: Is he a good lover? Does he satisfy you sexually?

[With Ted’s eyes glued to the appraiser’s breasts, Laura is free to shake her head ÒnoÓ emphatically.]

Appraiser: I didn’t think so. Well, Laura, I think I’ve seen enough to make a pretty accurate appraisal. Your Ted is a very low-quality reproduction of a boyfriend model popular during the 1980s: the self-centered misogynist. You know, Laura, there’s a Salvation Army collection table set up on the other side of the hall for donations, if you don’t want to have to carry this piece home. I’m afraid it’s essentially worthless.

Laura: Ya. Tell me something I don’t know.

[Cut back to host.]

Well, that’s it for us here today at Boyfriend Roadshow. We hope you’ll tune in next week, when we’ll be broadcasting from lovely Passaic, New Jersey. Until then, happy hunting.