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Why bottle throwing and car flipping should not be a privilege of the few
BY CHRIS WRIGHT
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When Red Sox fans exploded into violence following the team’s victory against Oakland recently, a spate of head-shaking and tut-tutting quickly followed. "Knuckleheads," said Thomas Menino, referring to the revelers who expressed their joy by flinging beer bottles and overturning cars in Kenmore Square. UMass officials, meanwhile, promised "harsh, swift disciplinary action" against those who ran amok in Amherst. To me, these reactions smacked of envy. Indeed, I’d wager that Mayor Menino, even as he fixed a photogenic frown on his face and stood before the media, was secretly wishing he could have climbed atop a building and bared his breasts that night. For all the disapproval associated with the pursuit, people have long felt the need to riot. There is evidence that Neanderthal men picked up rocks and ran rampant during periods of famine. (Some historians dispute this, arguing that as the Neanderthals hadn’t learned to throw yet — they just ran around with rocks in their hands — they weren’t truly rioting.) Throughout history, riots have been used to enact social change. Some riots are well-documented: the slave rebellions of ancient Rome, the upheavals in England and France in the 19th century, New York’s Stonewall riots of the 1960s. But there are countless others that have been overlooked. The Edam riots of 1704, for example — in which Dutch peasants demanded that the waxy coating applied to the cheese be removed "in-shoppe" — caused the deaths of 18,000 people and two cows. Despite such tragedies, there are benefits to be had from a good rampage. The first and most obvious is that rioting provides an outlet for pent-up frustrations — a process the Greeks called "catharsis," which loosely translates as "an emotional poo." But there is also a very effective, all-round workout to be had in mass violence — the deltoids are worked during the throwing of bottles, the quadriceps are enhanced by jumping up and down on cars, the abdominals tighten every time you duck to avoid a brick, and running from the police provides the kind of aerobic exercise that can really help to shed excess pounds. The health benefits of rioting are evident in the footage of anti-American demonstrations abroad: it’s very seldom you see a fat flag burner. But not all riots need to be large, theatrical affairs. A guy who works in my office will occasionally — usually when his computer freezes — conduct a little one-man riot right there in his cubicle. "Argh!" he’ll cry, "Bnggrrrr!" before clattering his fists against the offending machine. He seems to enjoy it. There are, however, perils inherent in the solo riot, the most serious of which is the possibility that you will encounter another lone rioter and end up in what the experts term "a fight" — an outcome that could result in a bloody nose or worse. The bottom line is, civil disorder should almost always be carried out in numbers of 10 or more. Beyond the personal benefits of rioting, there are also, as I mentioned earlier, sociopolitical ends to be gained from the act. In its purest form, rioting can be used to give a voice to disaffected, disadvantaged members of society. As the Reverend Martin Luther King Jr. put it, "A riot is the language of the unheard." Also, and equally important, rioting will often allow these unheard people to get free TV sets and microwave ovens. Ideally, perhaps, the disadvantaged and disaffected members of society would loot things like résumé software and tapes that teach you how to be an effective communicator, but who are we to judge? In any event, the point is that it shouldn’t be only drunken sports fans and desperate urbanites who are able to riot. We should not only riot more often, we should diversify our rioting. I’d like to see gangs of music lovers pouring out of Symphony Hall, flinging chardonnay on each other and chanting, "Mahler! Mahler!" There should be rioting in restaurants — dessert trolleys overturned, napkins set on fire — because the Chilean sea bass is off. Attorneys should riot after big cases — POLICE CONFRONT HAIL OF LAPTOPS, PENS. Librarians should go berserk every time a book is more than three weeks overdue. And what about the elderly? If anyone has something to riot about, it’s them: "Hell, no! We won’t go!" Before all you blue-nose anti-riot people start writing angry letters to the editor, I’d like to make it clear that I am by no means advocating personal injury. We should follow the example of the French, who riot daily with almost no ill effects other than terrible traffic jams and the occasional bout of mass ennui. The thing is, riots, when properly run, can be harmless affairs, outings that the whole family can enjoy. To this end, professional choreographers should be employed to organize these events — Paula Abdul, for one, could transform a rowdy mob into a very stylish and aesthetically pleasing "riot troupe," if you will. There is, of course, a financial aspect to all this. While Abdul and other riot choreographers may agree to accept looted electrical goods in lieu of monetary compensation, riots — good ones, anyway — can create huge overhead in things like smashed windows, burned-out cars, and police overtime. These costs, however, could easily be offset by making news coverage of riots a pay-per-view service. Should the Red Sox ever make the World Series, the "Beantown Smackdown" that ensues would likely draw a bigger crowd than the game itself. Pedro Martinez is well aware of this fact. And so, for that matter, is Don Zimmer. Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com
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