E-Mail This Article to a Friend A real trooper You really want to support the military? Here’s the ultimate plan. BY STEVE ALMOND

I FLEW TO Los Angeles from Boston recently and, for the third time in as many weeks, the pilot was kind enough to ask whether there were any active-duty or reserve troops on the plane. It was his hope that we would recognize them with a round of applause.

Sadly, there were no troops on that flight. Just us fat, lazy, chickenshit civilians.

Fortunately, I did have troops on my next flight, from San Francisco to Portland, so we were able to give them a big cheer, and the flight attendant invited them to take one of the comfy seats up in business class.

Now, I know what you’re thinking here.

That I probably have some problem with this kind of gesture. I probably feel that the pilot would do better to recognize the people who actually do God’s work, such as teachers or nurses or parents of cranky infants. Or that the troops are really just violent patsies who are over in Iraq killing, or supporting those who kill, for no solid moral reason, and are therefore just as much criminals as heroes.

You would be wrong about that.

Because, despite my obvious commie leanings, I have a real soft spot for the troops. Some of this is just basic chemistry. A man in a uniform gets me all squirmy and light-headed.

But really, it’s more than that.

It’s my basic loathing for most of the rest of America, us moralizing cowards, who feel free to bitch and whine about all the various inconveniences of our age, but don’t have the stones to take up arms against ... well, whomever.

It’s true that I didn’t ask the troops to go fight a war on my behalf. But the fact is, more than half this country did support the war and that’s why our men and women are over there, frying away in that little synthetic democracy and getting shot at.

Given those stakes, is applause — or a decent upgrade, or those obnoxious ribbon stickers — really enough?

I say: no.

So I’m suggesting we put a halt to all the slogans and empty rhetoric and start offering our troops some real support. Let’s give them all they deserve for being our paid killers.

Food: To begin with, the troops should be allowed to walk into any fast-food establishment and order whatever they want and pay nothing. After a year-plus of gagging down MREs, this seems the least we can do.

If Ronald McDonald or any of those other pussy mascots has a problem with that, we launch a boycott claiming that they don’t support the troops.

Same thing goes for any of the major grocery chains. This is our national bounty, after all. Which is what the troops are fighting for, ultimately. Sort of.

Shopping: Ah, Wal-Mart, that bastion of small-town America. The troops get anything they want from Wal-Mart. And they are free to tease the greeters, should they so desire.

Look at it this way: Sherman’s troops got to loot the entire southern half of this country. And they didn’t even have to do any flying.

Cars: Though you’d have trouble getting anyone in the current administration to acknowledge this point, we seem to be running out of fossil fuel. Simply put: not that many dinosaurs died.

For this reason, the only people who should be allowed to drive SUVs are the troops. If you believe — as certain unsavory liberal types do — that the entire war in Iraq was not about finding weapons of mass destruction, but about finding a nice, dependable source of fuel in the Middle East, well, it stands to reason that the troops are the only ones who have earned the right to drive gas-guzzlers.

If it’s also true that SUVs represent a psychological effort to militarize our roadways (again, this is the pinko line), then the troops also seem the logical choice.

Housing: Obviously, I’m not proposing that ordinary citizens should simply surrender their homes to returning troops. No, I’m only suggesting that those citizens who supported the war should be willing to do so.

In exchange, the occupants can stay on nearby military bases. As an added benefit, this will give them a taste of real Army life.

Movies: Free admission and popcorn. (Candy they have to pay for.)

Drugs: In addition to whatever they might get from the VA, I say we give the troops all the pot they want.

Why do I say this? Two reasons: first, because I love the idea of a bunch of stoned vets putting McDonald’s out of business and wandering through Wal-Mart giggling, and second, because I don’t want them getting anywhere near the liquor cabinet.

I’m quite serious about this: those guys have been through a lot of scary shit, and lived in a world of unpredictable violence. They need some major chill time.

Concubines: A year or more living without sex and getting shot at — you do the math. I mean, if the terrorists are getting 50 virgins, don’t our boys and girls deserve something a little more enticing than Private Lynndie England?

I’m not proposing that they get the run of the hen house. Only that young, attractive, ardent supporters of the war be made available to the troops (female or male) for connubial visits. I should think that true patriots would embrace the chance to support the troops in this fashion.

And, what’s more, such sessions will have the added benefit of relieving the stress of re-acclimating to civilian life. After all, if you ask these brave, young people what they really want, it ain’t a parade.

Now I know there are some cynical folks out there who are still thinking that I’m just kidding around at the troops’ expense.

I am not.

I honestly believe that our soldiers should be given every single luxury our country has to offer for what we’ve done to them.

If that price seems too steep, well then, maybe next time our commander in chief decides to invade a country that poses no direct threat to our homeland, and to place our young men and women in harm’s way, we’ll think twice about letting him do so.

Steve Almond is available for your abuse at www.bbchow.com