May

3: New Boston Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein vigorously denies a conflict of interest in his presiding over the Red Sox and playing outfield for the Pawtucket Pee Wees.

6: John Poindexter, head of the government’s Total Information Awareness project, rails against John McCain for calling the agency "intrusive," and claims the senator hasn’t changed his underwear in three days.

12: Francis O’Fornica, a recently defrocked Catholic priest, demands his frock back.

13: Billy Bulger holds a press conference to defend his brother Whitey, saying, "Fie, man, he doth bestride the narrow world like a colossus, and we petty men walk under his huge legs and peep about to find ourselves dishonorable graves."

16: Chaos breaks out in the White House press room when Colin Powell, responding to aggressive questioning about his recent outburst, tosses General Tommy Franks into the press pool.

24: Red Sox GM Theo Epstein promises Red Sox success in the upcoming season, calling the team "kinda neat," and praising the "awesome skills" of his new 13-year-old shortstop, Willie McGinny.

29: Tragedy strikes as Mitt Romney, touring Boston’s Financial District, is hit on the head by a falling safe. Romney is rushed to an undisclosed location, where a team of specialists works around the clock to repair a nasty dent in his hairdo.

June

1: Concerns about Alan Greenspan’s mental health mount as the Federal Reserve chair says the US economy is in "fine shape," citing "fiscally sound companies like Enron, Arthur Andersen, WorldCom, and Kmart."

5: An upbeat Jane Swift, in a candid interview with the Boston Globe, says she plans to pursue a career in TV, adding that she’s always wanted to be a contestant on American Idle.

10: A teenage boy in Biloxi, Mississippi, sues Britney Spears, alleging repetitive-stress injury to his wrist.

12: Angelina Jolie appears on the Today show with the finger of her new lover, Harvey Keitel, hanging on a piece of string around her neck. Meanwhile, Jolie’s latest movie, It Girl, Interrupted, launches speculation that the actress has had some lip work done. "Her mouth looks like a two-kielbasa dinner," remarks one critic.

14: Alan Greenspan, responding to a question about a potential hike in interest rates, says, "I’m not wearing any socks."

16: Seventy-five members of the Boston archdiocese come down with the West Nile virus. Health experts attribute the outbreak to "eating too much crow."

19: The US goes to war with Iraq. Three days later, after a battle that claims zero casualties on either side, Saddam Hussein says, "I quit" and flees to Iceland. Osama bin Laden, upon seeing images of flower-toting Iraqi children dancing through the streets of Baghdad, releases a statement saying, "I got it wrong about the US," and promising to "clean up my act."

27: A devastating heat wave sweeps the nation, killing dozens and forcing Christina Aguilera to remove her last remaining item of clothing.

July

4: David Mugar puts a damper on Fourth of July celebrations by asking for his fireworks back.

9: The Luxembourg daily Tageblatt publishes a Styles article asking, "Would Mohammed have worn jeans?" Infuriated, Osama bin Laden calls for "worldwide jihad against the denim-clad crusaders."

14: A bricklayer in Prattstown, Illinois, sues CNN, alleging he fell asleep and cracked his head open during Larry King Live.

16: A weepy Red Sox GM Theo Epstein defends his decision to hold weekly raves on Yawkee Way, telling reporters, "You aren’t the boss of me."

20: Al Jazeera airs the first episode of Jihadass, in which teenage boys perform stunts such as blowing themselves up on buses.

25: The economy takes a nosedive following revelations in the Wall Street Journal that the McDonald’s hamburger chain has inflated the number of burgers sold.

30: The long-running Whitey Bulger saga draws to a bloody close as Bulger, walking through downtown Tunis, is blown up by a CIA Predator drone. Asked how the CIA was able to identify the Boston crime lord — who was wearing a black beard, long robe, and crocheted topi on his head — a spokesman says, "We thought he was, er, someone else."

August

3: Jennifer Lopez, appearing on Letterman to address reports that she is calling off her engagement to Ben Affleck, says, "I just want to say that Ben O’Fleck and I will remain dear friends." England’s Prince William applauds enthusiastically from the audience.

8: Rumors circulate that Eminem’s celebrity has made him lose his edge. "What kind of rapper," remarks hip-hop’s Nelly on MTV, "rhymes ‘bitches’ with ‘britches’?"

11: North Korea ships 20 nuclear-tipped Scud missiles to Iran. White House press secretary Ari Fleischer calls the shipment "regrettable."

14: John Poindexter, head of the Total Information Awareness project, rails against those who have taken to calling him "The Beltway Snooper."

16: The pope refuses Bernard Law’s quest for sainthood. "Though impressive," says Vatican spokesman Ilio Venturra, "making pedophiles disappear does not qualify as a miracle."

18: Homeland Security Adviser Tom Ridge raises the nation’s alert status to red, citing an increase in terrorist "chatter." Faced with an increasingly skeptical public, Ridge releases an audiotape of Osama bin Laden and Ayman Al-Zawahiri discussing itchy beards, the price of mutton, and Al Jazeera’s new hit show Survivor: Yemen.

26: Michael Jackson makes international headlines after he offers Harrison Ford $25 million for his nose.

28: Buddy Cianci calls prison life "unbearable and inhumane," and demands immediate access to a profile writer.

September

5: Cash-strapped media mogul Ted Turner offers to provide $20 million to send ’N Sync vocalist Lance Bass to the International Space Station. "In space," Turner explains, "no one can hear you sing."

7: North Korea ships 50,000 thumbscrews to Kazakhstan. Ari Fleischer calls the shipment "less than ideal."

12: Fox TV airs its special report One Year and One Day After One Year After: Aftermath, in which Bill O’Reilly falls into the World Trade Center footprint and breaks a tooth. "Will we ever be able to face another September 11," asks CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, "without laughing hysterically?"

17: Dr. Christiane Northrup follows up on her best-selling book The Wisdom of Menopause with The Sagacity of the Hysterectomy.

21: The Boston archdiocese finds itself embroiled in yet another scandal as the Boston Herald alleges the local Catholic church has been running a statewide gambling ring. Interim bishop Richard Lennon calls bingo brouhaha "a wicked fabric of lies."

25: Thierry Meyssan, the French author of last year’s L’effroyable imposture, in which he claimed the US was behind the 9/11 terrorist attacks, publishes L’imposture effroyable, in which he claims the attacks were perpetrated by a secret Jewish cabal headed by Woody Allen.

27: Shannon O’Brien goes on Good Morning America to deny that she has anything to do with a Web site that charges subscribers $25 to view her tattoo. On the same show, Tim Russert denies that he is a frequent visitor to the site.

30: Eminem is assassinated by a sales clerk as he purchases a $4000 Versace hooded sweatshirt. Police suspect the involvement of the gay mafia.