I BOUGHT MY dad a tie for Father’s Day once. It wasn’t good.

“Have you not seen,” he seethed, his voice rising, his face reddening, his fists trembling white-knuckled by his side, “how many @#$&% ties I have hanging in my @#$&% closet?! Does it look to you like I need another goddam piece of cloth to hang around my @#$&% neck?” Then he wrapped it around my neck and tried to twist it tight. Luckily the shoddy cloth ripped and my life was saved. But was that ever a close call!

It was a hard lesson to learn, but I learned it good. Luckily there’s all kinds of neato stuff you can get your pa that will render him speechless with joy, not rage. You just gotta know where to look.

Take for instance, Hammacher Schlemmer’s voice-activated remote control ($69.95). It’s for that special kind of man who has perfected the art of complete and utter sloth: who isn’t just too lazy to get up and change the channel, but too lazy to reach over and point the remote at the set. Don’t ask us how it’s done, but this thing takes up to 54 different voice commands and translates them into infrared signals to control TV, VCR, DVD, stereo, whatever. Hey, Dad, don’t worry about that beer balancing precariously on your gut! Just yell at the remote and ... presto chango!

But maybe you need more drastic measures. Deep down you know Dad’s never really liked you — you got cut from JV football, your SAT scores were a joke, you always nick the flowers when you mow the lawn. Give him what he really wants: a new kid. With the Mindstorms Robotics Invention System 1.5 ($199.99), Dad can build and program his own Lego robots to unleash an unholy army of bionic kids who will cut the grass, take out the trash, and give him no lip! Well, maybe not just yet. But technology is ever progressing.

Until that day arrives, imagine how thrilled Dad will be when you inform him that he’s been enrolled in the Father’s Hall of Fame! Founded in 1992 by Pennsylvania attorney William Irwin, the FHF was originally housed in a one-room schoolhouse where “from mid May through mid October, [visitors] could punch in an inductee’s name and review all the information on each father.” Now it’s on the Internet for all the world to see. Visit www.fathershalloffame.com and for a measly 15 bucks your dad, too, can become part of this august institution.

Sick of pet names like “lummox,” “meatball,” and “wussy”? Expand Pa’s vocab with Peter Novobatzky and Ammon Shea’s Insulting English ($17.95). Once he’s digested this witty, informative volume, you can look forward to new and exciting gibes like “gubbertush” (a buck-toothed person) or “hogminny” (a depraved young woman) or “kakopygian” (possessing an ugly set of buttocks). And let’s be honest: these are charitable nicknames for the kind of cheap bastard who would enroll the paterfamilias in a chintzy Web site like the Father’s Hall of Fame instead of buying him something nice.

So maybe it’s best to keep it simple: hedge your bets and just buy yer old man some booze. Try a bottle of Maker’s Mark. It’s mellow, it’s smooth, it’s inebriating, and it’s available at all fine liquor stores. He always says that you drive him to drink, right?

The remote can be found at www.hammacherschlemmer.com. The robot set and the book can be found at www.amazon.com.

Issue Date: June 7-14, 2001