E-Mail This Article to a Friend Strange days (continued)

July

1: In scenes reminiscent of last year’s Pedro Martinez–Don Zimmer fiasco, a Red Sox–New York Yankees game turns ugly when Sox center fielder Choo Freeman, recently acquired from the Colorado Rockies in a 32-way swap, deliberately smudges shortstop Derek Jeter’s eyeliner.

4: Tragedy strikes Boston’s Independence Day celebrations as an errant firework ignites Governor Mitt Romney’s left eyebrow. Witnesses describe the subsequent blaze as "spectacular."

9: As the popularity of the Olsen twins wanes, People magazine reports that America "is going ga-ga" for the Hammarskjöld quintuplets.

14: President Bush is rushed to the hospital after he falls and hits his head during a policy speech at Harvard’s John F. Kennedy School of Government. A White House spokesman later reveals that the president lost his footing after stumbling over the word "proliferation."

17: Mega contractor Halliburton comes under renewed scrutiny following reports that a $16 million construction project in Iraq amounted to a wheelbarrow, a shovel, and a guy named Ed.

23: Chicago Cubs slugger Sammy Sosa finds himself at the center of renewed controversy after getting into a fistfight with a sommelier at a high-end Boston restaurant. "I don’t care what that mofo says," Sosa tells reporters after his arraignment. "That wine was definitely corked."

26: The Democratic National Convention gets off to a rocky start as security personnel shoot and kill a Boylston Street food vendor. While calling the event "a tragedy," Mayor Menino also points out that "under the right circumstances, in the right light, a spicy Italian sausage bears a striking resemblance to a rocket launcher."

31: Howard Dean is nominated the Democratic presidential candidate. "I’m delighted," Dean tells a rally in Vermont. "And also a little angry."

August

2: European unity is called into question as French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin, speaking before an EU delegation in Brussels, scrunches up his nose while discussing pasta. Italian foreign minister Renato Ruggiero retorts with an accusation that the French "stole" the idea of square-framed glasses, hairy armpits, and cloyingly heavy after-shave from the Italians.

5: President Bush, asked about his views on hybrid vehicles at a conference on global warming, says, "My administration is committed to food that is not generically altered, especially bread."

8: Responding to an ever-worsening financial crunch, the Boston archdiocese unveils its new line of coin-operated confessional booths.

12: As Saddam Hussein’s trial continues, attorney Johnnie Cochran announces that his client is "psychologically unbalanced," adding, "This guy thinks he’s Aladdin."

16: Following the overwhelming success of last year’s photo op when he rode the T, self-styled "People’s Governor" Mitt Romney invites film crews to capture what he describes as a "historical first." Footage of Romney buying and then eating a slice of pizza gets national coverage.

20: Wreckage crews tearing down the Central Artery discover the mummified remains of Whitey Bulger. "Maybe now we can put this painful and difficult era behind us," says Governor Mitt Romney.

26: At a conference to address the nation’s worsening obesity crisis, President Bush responds to a question about carbohydrates with "My administration is committed to protecting the ozone thing, up there."

September

3: British millionaire Richard Branson threatens to sue the owners of a new Islamic airline for copyright infringement. Nonetheless, 72 Virgins Air turns an immediate profit.

9: Wreckage crews tearing down the Central Artery discover the mummified remains of Jane Swift’s political career. "Maybe now we can put this painful and difficult era behind us," says Governor Mitt Romney.

14: The Office of Homeland Security raises the nation’s threat level to orange due to an increase in terrorist "chatter." Hours later, the level is raised to its highest level, red, after intelligence officials report an increase in terrorist "badinage."

18: Hollywood reels as gorgeous actress Gwyneth Paltrow and equally gorgeous singer Chris Martin give birth to a baby boy who’s described as "uglier than a bucket of Bill O’Reillys."

23: Under pressure from truth-in-advertising groups, rapper 50 Cent changes his name to 50 Million Dollar.

24: Attorney General John Ashcroft angrily denies rumors that prisoners at Guantánamo Bay have been forced to watch the entire oeuvre of actor Keanu Reeves, despite widely viewed news footage of the detainees crying out, "Dude! Help us! Dude!"

27: A pro–Michael Jackson rally in the Southern Iraq city of Basra turns ugly after a local cleric strikes a Jackson supporter in the face. The New York Post reports on the incident with the headline: SHIITE HITS THE FAN.

29: The New York Post’s chief headline writer is admitted to a Manhattan hospital with suspected quiplash.

October

1: Following a month-long slump in which the team manages only three runs, the Red Sox fail to make the World Series yet again. Owner John Henry announces he is firing the team’s manager, the general manager, the entire pitching staff, and Bob Griswold, the guy who works the concessions stand.

6: President Bush’s approval rating soars as Osama bin Laden is found near Kandahar, Afghanistan. Reports that the Al Qaeda leader was found hiding inside the carcass of a dead dog are initially met with skepticism, despite Condoleezza Rice’s contention that "it was a big dog."

8: Under pressure from truth-in-advertising groups, the Massachusetts State Lottery names its new $10 scratch ticket "You Sad Bastard."

10: In an interview with Tim Russert, Vice-President Dick Cheney admits that the Bush administration had "slightly overstated" the conditions of Osama bin Laden’s recent arrest. "Osama wasn’t inside the dog per se," Cheney explains. "But he was wearing a dog on his foot, like a slipper."

17. Actor Mike Myers, undeterred by the critical disapproval that greeted last year’s raunchy adaptation of Dr. Seuss’s The Cat in the Hat, agrees to star in the upcoming sequel Horton Sees a Ho.

23: A massive blackout leaves the entire state of Kentucky without power for 36 hours. In an attempt to calm a jittery public, White House spokesman Scott McClellan holds a press conference to say that "nobody noticed."

25: Osama bin Laden attorney Alan Dershowitz tells the press that his client’s "uncontrollable rage" is a direct result of suppressed homosexuality. Homeland Security director Tom Ridge immediately lowers the nation’s threat level to pink.

November

5: Speculation that Al Qaeda may be losing some of its bite increases after the terrorist group moves its base of operations from Iraq to the Belgian province of Brabant Wallon. On a tape aired by the Arabic news network Al-Jazeera, a voice purported to be that of Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri cites "competitive property prices, good schools" as the reasons for the decision.

7: Buoyed by the economy and the decreased Al Qaeda threat, George W. Bush is elected president by a narrow margin. Bush is later admitted to a DC hospital after receiving a pat on the back from California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

11: President Bush announces that he will appoint John Ashcroft the nation’s first morals czar. Ashcroft orders an immediate ban on chicken breasts, turkey thighs, and rump roasts.

16: The New York Times Review of Books finds itself embroiled in controversy after a reviewer calls author David McCullough’s 862-page biography of post–Civil War president Rutherford B. Hayes an example of "bio-terrorism."

23: NBC’s new show Who Wants To Marry a Corpse? marks the end of reality television.

28: The president’s popularity rating reaches 98 percent as the first video footage of bin Laden’s incarceration is aired. Some human-rights groups question whether the colon-cam was entirely necessary.

December

5: Howard Dean announces he’s quitting politics to author self-help books. His first effort, I’m Serious, Where the Fuck Is My Fucking Cheese!, fails to set the publishing world on fire.

8: Wal-Mart becomes the world’s third-largest economy.

15: Despite reports that North Korea is developing a Superduper Space Laser, Donald Rumsfeld insists that the Bush administration will continue to concentrate on overthrowing the government of Chad, a country which, according to Rumsfeld, poses "an immediate threat to the security of our great country, and so on and so forth."

17: European unity takes another hit as French foreign minister Dominique de Villepin calls Lithuania a "silly" country.

22: Bush’s approval rating falls as news gets out that Osama bin Laden has escaped from a detention facility by posing as actor Jeff Goldblum.

23: As the holiday shopping season heats up, Howard Dean launches his own line of designer clothing. While his H. Diddy Flexi-Tweed running suits sell well, his sports jackets with combination shoulder pads/ear muffs are a disappointment. Dean reacts to the news angrily.

25: Morals czar John Ashcroft calls for a ban on Christmas, deeming the unwrapping of presents "suggestive." Carnival Cruise Lines reports that it has received tens of thousands of bookings for its new Four-Year Cruise.

30: In the wake of Osama bin Laden’s escape, Homeland Security director Tom Ridge raises the nation’s threat level to vermilion with flashing yellow dots. "Just go about your normal lives," says President Bush from an undisclosed location. "There’s absolutely nothing to worry about. Really."

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com