E-Mail This Article to a Friend Strange days Terrorists get chatty, Howard Dean gets grumpy, and Danny Glover gets Jesus’ blood on his hands: A look ahead to the weird world of 2004 BY CHRIS WRIGHT

Looking into the future is no easy matter, especially in these uncertain times. Which is not to say that any times are certain, only that these times are more uncertain than most other times. In fact, the last time there was as much uncertainty as there is now was the mid-13th century, a time commonly held to be one of the most uncertain in history. Some things, however, we can state with near certainty. Next year will see a presidential election in the United States. The conflict in Iraq will rage on. Viggo Mortensen will continue to have an absurdly strong jaw. On these foundations, we can start to build an apperception of what the rest of the year will look like.

Some of the predictions made below may, at first, seem borderline absurd. But to dismiss absurdity in the face of so much uncertainty is itself absurd, and so the dismissal of the absurd is ultimately rendered uncertain. This is how the study of time works — it’s tricky stuff. The past and the future are a constantly eddying stream of now and then, then and now. Occasionally, however, as the result of a phenomenon the physicist Stephen Hawking called "being stoned," the then and now will merge into a crystalline whole. It is in this state that prognosticators may most ably ply their trade.

And so it is from this Hawking-esque standpoint that we have approached the difficult task of looking forward to 2004. If any of the forecasts we’ve made here do turn out to be erroneous, then this is almost certainly a reflection of these uncertain times rather than any shortcomings on our part. As the philosopher Bertrand Russell put it, "When one admits that nothing is certain one must, I think, also add that some things are more nearly certain than others."

January

1: Tragedy strikes Boston’s First Night celebrations as an ice sculpture depicting House Speaker Thomas Finneran’s ego collapses, crushing 800 revelers.

4: Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean, responding to a story in the New York Post, angrily denies that he has quizzed a DC plastic surgeon about getting a neck implant.

8: CIA director George Tenet gives a live press conference to announce that a recent cold snap gripping the East Coast "bears all the hallmarks of an Al Qaeda operation." Tenet adds that there is evidence of terrorist involvement in the proliferation of Internet spam, Céline Dion’s last CD, and a nasty case of gout that’s been niggling Dick Cheney.

12: The Patriots’ Super Bowl prospects take a hit as quarterback Tom Brady slips during training, severely injuring his smile.

18: In the wake of its controversial decision to evict holiday favorite The Nutcracker in favor of Radio City’s Rockettes, the Wang Center for the Performing Arts announces that the Rockettes will soon have to make way for Kinky Morgan’s All-Nude Review.

20: The stock market plunges after Federal Reserve chair Alan Greenspan, appearing before a congressional hearing, says, "Gentleman, we’re fucked."

21: Howard Dean appears on Meet the Press to deny that he expressed joy over the stock-market collapse. "I was punching the air, not pumping my fist," a visibly irritated Dean tells Tim Russert. "And what I actually yelled was ‘Spank you, God!’ I was angry." Dean goes on to add, "Grrr" before being muffled by his own necktie.

26: The local Catholic archdiocese, under increasing financial pressure, launches a new line of grocery products. Two items in particular — Great Bloody Cabernet! and Jesus, That’s a Good Cracker! — are immediate hits.

February

3: The US military, under pressure from truth-in-advertising groups, names its new line of Black Hawk helicopters the Black Hawk Down.

6: Shrill talk-show host Jay Severin gives an impassioned on-air speech in which he says that "if gay marriage comes to Massachusetts, I will eat my words." Two days later, Severin is admitted to a local hospital with severe food poisoning.

15: Famously rumpled politician Barney Frank appears on the first episode of Bravo’s new reality TV show Queer Eye for the Queer Guy. On the show, the congressman’s spectacles are described as "impeachable."

19: The term "campaign rage" enters the national lexicon.

25: Mel Gibson’s long-awaited film The Passion of the Christ opens to disappointing reviews. Critics take particular exception to a scene in which Danny Glover, in the role of Pontius Pilate, rolls his eyes and says, "I’m getting too old for this shit."

26: Inspired by ’N Sync member Lance Bass’s $20 million quest to travel into space, Michael Jackson offers the European Space Agency $50 million to make him the first human to probe Ursa Minor.

29: The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King becomes the first movie in history to win every single Oscar category, including Best Sound Editing for a Musical Documentary from a Former Soviet Bloc Nation.

March

2: The Boston Red Sox announce that the team will trade right fielder Trot Nixon to the Baltimore Orioles for left fielder Larry Bigbie, a trade that will see Boston pitcher Alan Embree moving to the Cincinnati Reds while Reds catcher Jason LaRue moves to the Florida Marlins, who will in turn send outfielder Chip Ambres to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays in return for infielder Aubrey Huff, who will move to Boston in exchange for first baseman Kevin Millar and first-choice peanut vendor Terrence Gatt. "The trade is definitely to our advantage," says Red Sox GM Theo Epstein. "I think."

6: Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ takes another hit as David Denby, writing in the New Yorker, asks, "What the hell’s with the extra the?"

9. Days after being criticized by Joe Lieberman for his lack of foreign-policy experience, Al Sharpton appears on MSNBC’s Hardball. "I am going to be a tough president, a hard president, a strong president," Sharpton tells Chris Matthews. "This Al Qaeda guy won’t know what hit him."

12: Thousands of disappointed pornography buffs launch a class-action lawsuit after the latest Paris Hilton video reveals little more than the façade of an upscale hotel with Sacré-Coeur in the background.

17: Three city councilors suffer strokes during a four-hour, 20-minute speech by Felix Arroyo in which he insists that "the City of Boston can, should, and will do more to feed the world’s whales."

24: Presidential hopeful John Kerry, desperate for national news coverage, agrees to undergo a televised dental exam and lice check.

28: Columbia Pictures announces it has signed John McCain and Howard Dean to star in the sequel to Anger Management.

April

1: Mindful of last season’s disappointing finale, Red Sox GM Theo Epstein announces that the team will abandon the slogan "Cowboy Up!" in favor of "Zimmer Down!"

8: A US military spokesman confirms reports that copies of the movie Gigli have been found along Iraq’s main Ramadi-to-Fallujah highway. "These terrorists should know," the spokesman says, "that America will not be deterred by a few roadside bombs."

13: Michael Jackson, on trial for child molestation, stuns legal scholars by pleading not guilty by reason of plasticity.

19: Former Boston police commissioner Paul Evans is forced to resign his new position as adviser to the British police because, according to a report in the Boston Herald, he finds it impossible to use the word "truncheon" without laughing.

23: Presidential hopeful John Kerry gives a press conference to clarify his economic plans. "I am firmly, unequivocally against any tax cuts whatsoever," Kerry says, "except for the ones I approve, if I approve any, which I won’t. Probably."

26: Saddam Hussein’s trial gets under way in Iraq. In an opening statement, attorney Johnnie Cochran insists that his client is innocent of the charges against him. "If WMD are not found," Cochran tells the judges, "you must return him to his hole in the ground."

29: Recently wed gay and lesbian couples in Massachusetts react with alarm to news that the state has made no provision for homosexual divorce.

May

4: In an attempt to trump Howard Dean’s successful Internet drive, presidential hopeful Wesley Clark puts up a profile on Friendster.com.

11: Disgraced journalists Stephen Glass and Jayson Blair announce that they are joining forces to launch a new current-affairs magazine. In its inaugural issue, Not Really names Mayor Thomas Menino "America’s most charismatic public official."

15: At bookstores across the country, fans of J.K. Rowling line up for minutes at a time to buy the prolific author’s latest offering, Harry Potter and the Exhausted Franchise.

20: Scientists at MIT claim to have proven that Pavlovian conditioning works on humans as well as dogs. According to a report in the New England Journal of Medicine, the MIT researchers found that Bush-administration officials reflexively responded to the sound of a car backfiring with the words "Al Qaeda!"

22: Presidential hopeful Carol Moseley Braun fires her campaign manager for adopting the Mod classic "Who Are You?" as the campaign’s official song.

26: In what is said to be a sign that Hollywood may be losing its edge, Quentin Tarantino’s latest film, Tickle Bill, is quickly followed by the Martin Scorsese epic Gangs of Poughkeepsie. Pixar, meanwhile, bucks the trend with its bloody animated romp Finding Osama.

30: In an attempt to increase his appeal with Granite State voters, presidential hopeful John Kerry gives a speech in Franconia, New Hampshire, in which he repeatedly points out the uncanny resemblance between his face and that of the Old Man of the Mountain.

June

2: British home secretary David Blunkett announces that three Iraqi men have been arrested for throwing stink bombs during a Catholic service in London. Prime Minister Tony Blair arranges a hasty press conference, during which he intones, "We have said all along that the Iraqis possess weapons of mass disruption."

8: As the Democratic National Convention draws closer, Mayor Menino denies reports of a homeless-person landfill in East Boston.

12: Hollywood reels as the Enquirer reveals Ashton Kutcher’s plans to wed the woman in his life. "Despite the age difference, we’re very much in love," says a glowing Liza Minnelli.

16: Presidential hopeful Al Sharpton, attempting to recover from previous foreign-policy gaffes, tells Bill O’Reilly that "this nation must ask itself what will be the result if groups like Al Qaeda, which is a group, gets its hands on large amounts of Botox."

21: Television audiences across the world applaud wildly as self-promoting magician David Blaine disappears up his own ass.

23: Mayor Menino denies rumors that the upcoming Democratic National Convention had anything to do with his decision to bulldoze the city of Chelsea.

28: Wesley Clark, in another attempt to boost his popularity with young people, agrees to model underwear in an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. While sales of camouflage briefs pick up, Clark’s popularity plummets.

30: Following a disappointing start to the 2004 season, California sports fans vote to recall the Anaheim Angels.