The year in preview

by Chris Wright

Illustrations by Dale Stephanos

To an extent, all humans share an ability to see into the future. We drop a stone from a window, and we can be pretty sure there'll be a Seinfeld rerun on televison tonight. We can also be sure that the stone we dropped will hit the ground.

And, of course, we can be sure that an earlier Seinfeld episode will be much funnier than a later one. We can presume that if our stone were to hit someone's head -- preferably Jerry Seinfeld's -- that would be much funnier than if it were simply to hit the ground. And yet . . . and yet we cannot guarantee that Jerry Seinfeld will walk under our window. This is where it gets tricky. Maybe we shouldn't even drop the stone. As the French philosopher Pierre Poutierre put it, "What stone?" Exactly.

Many stones were dropped in 1998, from many windows. Here's where we think they will land in 1999. Duck.

---

the year ahead

art - classical - construction - film - jazz - local music
neighborhood development - news - politics
pop - predictions - theater - wine

---

January

1. With low-grade millennium fever already beginning to grip the Hub, the public greets the arrival of 1999 with widespread apathy. Boston's First Night comes under criticism for its "So What?" theme.

2. The Clinton imbroglio erupts into a maelstrom, which quickly becomes a firestorm as the media attempt to cope with a seasonal lull. Wolf Blitzer is found frozen to death on the White House lawn. Calls for Clinton's resignation abound, despite his 80 percent approval rating.

4. Mike Barnicle is hired as a columnist for the Boston Herald. In his first column, he decries First Night's scaled-down festivities. "Some guy chipping away at an ice tray with a Swiss Army knife is not my idea of ice sculpture," Barnicle fumes.

5. Barnicle is fired from his Herald job when it is revealed that he actually spent New Year's Eve in a Natick bar.

7. Crowds flock to the FleetCenter to see the smash hit of the season, Impeachment on Ice. In the show's finale, Linda trips.

9. In a surprise move, President Clinton announces that not only will he not resign, but he's firing the Republicans.

10. The US launches 400 cruise missiles at the Mongolian town of Baotou. Clinton cites a need to "debase" the region's flourishing pirate-video industry, which mainly produces Carrot Top films.

17. Following last year's success of Alanis Morissette's nude video, Mariah Carey follows suit with a nude version of the '70s hit "Chirpa Chirpa Cheep Cheep."

23. Clinton announces he is quitting the presidency after all, "to go open a bar" in Hope, Arkansas. Meanwhile, citing what it calls that country's "ridiculous" cigarette prices, the US begins bombing Sweden. The ex-president's approval rating hits 90 percent.

February

4. Senator John Glenn joins the New York Knicks for an undisclosed fee.

9. Mike Barnicle is fired from a job at Universal Studios three days after he was hired. "There was a mix-up," he tells Dixie Whatley. "I heard they were looking for a makeup artist."

11. Sarah McLachlan, Celine Dion, and the Rolling Stones release nude videos. In a tragic twist, Keith Richards ends up in a hospital emergency room after setting his tackle alight with a carelessly handled cigarette.

14. America reels as Kenneth Starr announces that Monica Lewinsky is his illegitimate love child. Starr says he came up with "the whole independent-counsel thing" just to get Monica's attention, and that now he's sorry and wants to let the president off with a warning. Clinton is welcomed back into Washington with a ticker-tape parade. Meanwhile, calling her acting career a "travesty," Clinton gives US forces the go-ahead to bomb Elizabeth Taylor.

15. The president's approval rating hits 98 percent.

16. In sports news, Massachusetts House Speaker Tom Finneran follows up on last year's comment about Bob Kraft's being a "whiny millionaire," calling Red Sox owner John Harrington a "puffed-up weed whacker."

21. Mike Barnicle makes an unexpected comeback when he is named host of Channel 7's new current-events program, And That's the Truth.

25. The nude-video craze continues unabated as MTV launches its latest show, MTV Undressed. On the first episode, Michael Stipe performs a live set wearing only a pained expression.

March

2. Entertainment giant SFX purchases rights to Boston's premier poetry venues, giving the company a stranglehold on the area's lucrative open-mic market. Outraged poetry fans vow to respond with a campaign of scathing sestinas.

16. Local sports fans take a hit as the Red Sox announce their forthcoming move to Ragland, Alabama. Sox owner John Harrington insists that economic considerations played little part in the decision, stating simply that the Ragland Red Sox "has a nice ring to it." Speaker Finneran calls Harrington "a pile of frog droppings."

19. Barbra Streisand and Bette Midler cash in on the nude-video craze with a nude duet. Interest in the phenomenon quickly wanes.

21. Saving Private Ryan does poorly at the Academy Awards, winning only one Oscar, for Best On-Set Catering. The real surprise of the night comes when Carrot Top is presented with a Lifetime Achievement Award. Actor/director Robert Redford wins in the Making Yourself Look Cute at All Costs category.

25. As the tragic basketball shutout continues, the Red Cross sets up special "bisque kitchens" for the struggling athletes. Celtics forward Antoine Walker is spotted standing outside the FleetCenter holding a cardboard sign reading BUDDY, CAN YOU SPARE A MIL?

26. Mike Barnicle is fired from Channel 7's news show And That's the Truth after it is discovered that he falsely attributed a quote about Clinton's being "goddamn crazy" to Barney Frank. The quote actually came from Barney the Dinosaur.

April

6. Pops conductor Keith Lockhart is spotted by hidden cameras not being perky for several minutes.

15. Bob Kraft announces that the Patriots will begin playing in 2001 in the International Space Station. "I'm sad that we couldn't get the thing done with Hartford/Providence/Boston/Earth," Kraft explains, "but space offers a great home-field advantage. Plus, the lack of gravity will add a bit of zip to our passing game." Thomas Finneran calls Kraft "a dirty diaper doo-doo."

25. In a stunning turnaround, a year after being convicted for a lewd act in a Los Angeles public restroom, British singer George Michael is arrested for having a pee at a Los Angeles peep show.

26. Mayor Menino announces that crime levels in Boston have reached an all-time low. In fact, he says, the only crime committed in the city so far this year has been the theft of a bag of potato chips from a South End youth's school locker. "But we're not there yet," Menino tells the press.

May

1. Jack Kevorkian announces the completion of a deal with Philip Morris. "Kevorkians" quickly become one of the most popular cigarette brands in the country.

6. What is suspected to be the bag from the recently stolen bag of potato chips is retrieved from a Quincy quarry.

8. Boston's low-crime streak ends when comedian Benny Bamboo is beaten to death by an incensed Comedy Connection crowd after mentioning Viagra, Ken Starr, Jesse Ventura, and the Y2K bug in a single joke.

13. Following up on last year's rather grim Babe sequel, Babe: Pig in the City, Universal Pictures releases Babe: Pig in Hell, in which the popular porker journeys to Hades after accidentally wandering into a pork-processing plant and getting turned into kielbasa.

17. Despite back-to-back billion-dollar annual profits, the US Postal Service raises the price of a first-class stamp from 32 cents to 35 cents. When asked the motivation for the increase, the postmaster general replies, " 'Cause we're the !@#$% Post Office!" before opening fire on a crowd of reporters.

21. The surgeon general expands warning labels on cigars to include the phrase "Not for intern-al use."

28. A takeover bid of the US government by the postmaster general fails due to fighting within his ranks. America's political life returns to normal.

June

6. In what is seen as an attempt to appear more presidential, Senator John Kerry has his right index -- or "wagging" -- finger extended by half an inch.

10. Following the success of Boston-based movies such as Monument Ave., Good Will Hunting, and Next Stop, Wonderland, Paramount Pictures announces plans to shoot an adaptation of T.S. Eliot's The Waste Land at City Hall Plaza.

17. Governor Paul Cellucci, having recently denied that his mounting debts affect his ability to govern, is caught trying to sell the State House for "a couple grand" to a Jordanian businessman.

23. Mitt Romney attempts to bolster support for his impending presidential run by announcing that he dodged the draft, smoked dope, shot Vince Foster, slept with his personal secretary, and invited potential fundraisers to have meatloaf at his mother's house.

July

4. Tragedy strikes Boston's July 4 celebrations when an errant rocket shoots through the window of Paul Cellucci's office and sets alight a pile of discarded lottery tickets.

12. Speculation about Representative Barney Frank's health runs rampant after he fails to appear on a single talk show for nearly two full days.

16. Spelling bees across the nation are thrown into turmoil when it is proven to be physically impossible to get Hollywood starlet Famke Johnson's name right.

24. Saying he's "always done things differently" and never panders to base commercialism, pop star Prince remakes his hit single "1999" into "2014."

30. In another record-labeling controversy, officials at retail giant Wal-Mart come under fire for selling "cleansed" albums by Nashville Wussy.

August

9. A Mike Barnicle investigative report for the Improper Bostonian reveals that not only was Dianne Wilkerson behind the Pan Am Lockerbie tragedy, but she was also the last one to see JonBenét Ramsey alive. Later, Wilkerson will be reelected in a landslide victory.

14. '80s nostalgia runs amok: "Tootie Flakes," featuring Kim Fields from The Facts of Life, becomes America's hippest new cereal.

19. Russia calls it quits. Boris Yeltsin says a combination of "a struggling economy, a crippled military, and terrible '80s fashion sense" are behind the decision to shut the country down indefinitely.

22. Linda Tripp launches her career as a singer. Her first single, a cover of "I Heard It Through the Grapevine," goes to Number 1. The country nervously awaits the nude video.

27. The indefatigable Alan Dershowitz, after exhausting almost every conceivable subject for a book topic, pens a new book: I Hate Alan Dershowitz.

September

2. Ray Flynn attempts to restart his career by running for office in Malden. The former mayor is narrowly defeated by Madge Sminck, who immediately assumes her duties as overseer of the town's Department of Shrubbery Upkeep. Later, Flynn is quoted as saying, "I'll fucking show them," before breaking into a rendition of "Danny Boy."

7. Mike Barnicle, having recently landed a job with Boston magazine, reports that Tom Menino has gotten a tongue transplant. The outraged mayor responds, "Twhath ith justh nar thrue!"

18. Following a federal inquiry, it is discovered that engineers in charge of the Big Dig have been holding the map upside down for the past eight years. They send out a press release reading, "Oops! Do over!" and start again from scratch.

22. In somewhat more-upbeat architectural news, luxury developers Millennium Partners, soon to be opening a skyscraper near Chinatown and another off Boylston Street, announce a new project: "Homeless Island," a floating barge in Boston Harbor filled with all the city's vagrants and other various "types."

October

5. The popularity of peppy Today host Katie Couric plummets after she calls the Backstreet Boys "a bunch of dorks."

9. Somerville officials, though denying the city's rapid conversion into a gentrified neo-Cambridge, offer to supply all homeless people free one-way bus fare to Chelsea.

14. Meanwhile, Boston imposes trade sanctions on Cambridge for its refusal to dismantle MIT's controversial nuclear reactor. Menino says air strikes are not out of the question. The two sides compromise with the agreement that MIT students will no longer be allowed to talk on public transportation.

19. Tom Finneran launches an attack on Tony the Tiger, calling the breakfast icon "a milksop."

27. Nightlife impresario Seth Greenberg changes his name to Seth Greenberg, the first in a wave of bold celebrity name changes.

31. Boston's Halloween celebrations descend into controversy as Governor Cellucci is caught trying to charge trick-or-treaters for candy.

November

11. After months of quiet, Boston's crime rate again soars as the city is hit by a wave of loitering.

16. A woman in the Back Bay reports that following an afternoon of shopping, she returned to her car to find "nasty handprints all over it." Menino calls for calm.

22. Thousands of teenage boys hurl themselves into quarries when the Spice Girls disband after citing narcissistic differences.

27. Channel 7 is accused of lowbrow pandering after airing its latest health report: "Experimental Cancer Drugs that Work . . . On Lap Dancers."

28. Thanksgiving celebrations are marked by tragedy as the nation's turkeys stage a massive revolt. The conflict claims the lives of two humans and 175,000,000 turkeys. The leaders of the revolt seek asylum in Turkey.

December

1. The last month of the millennium opens with a bang, as China, India, and Pakistan start lobbing nuclear missiles at one another. Clinton, having given his press secretary the slip for a moment, appeals for another cheeseburger.

7. Flak jackets are proving to be this year's hot Christmas gift, though sales of Bibles, canned food, and spring water are also healthy. Other big-ticket items include concrete bunkers, Montana cabins, and papal blessings -- or "Get Out of Hell Free Cards," as they are otherwise known.

11. Following reports concerning the impending end of the world, a jittery Dow Jones falls precipitously, but later rebounds when Alan Greenspan intervenes.

14. The American public goes wild with its plastic, buying luxury items in record amounts and running up gargantuan credit-card bills -- or, as the practice is known, "filling up the Y2K account." The stock market soars.

17. War looms in Europe following a report by the BBC's Mike Barnicle in which he quotes British prime minister Tony Blair as saying that German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder is a "manky Kraut." Barnicle is later fired when it is revealed that the remark was in fact made by Tom Finneran.

20. Tom Brokaw breaks down and weeps during his reading of the nightly news. The watching millions, unaware that Brokaw had just sat on his coffee cup, panic uncontrollably.

25. World-wide pillaging, looting, and plundering put a damper on Christmas celebrations. On an up note, sub-Saharan Africa sees its first Christmas snow.

26. Fox TV airs its most popular special ever. The show, When Worlds End Horribly, is watched by approximately 2.7 billion people.

31. A strange light is seen rising in the east. The Spice Girls reunite.

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com.

Correction: In the item under July 16, the actress's name should read "Fomke Jetson."