THESE ARE TRYING times for America.
Since September 11, our lives have been altered in ways that would have seemed unimaginable a few short months ago. The national landscape is suddenly alien to us. It’s as if history were a malevolent landscaper, digging up a few constitutional rights here, scattering the seeds of discontent there. But it’s not only the landscape of America that has changed — the face of America has changed, too, as have the thighs of America, and those irritating flaps of skin that hang down from America’s upper arms. From head to toe, back yard to front lawn, America is a different place now than it was in the days before it changed.
Perhaps the most immediate change in the aftermath of September 11 is that we can no longer open a newspaper without encountering the words "in the aftermath." Research shows that the phrase has enjoyed the kind of spike unseen since "jive turkey" gained popularity in the 1970s. A search on the electronic database LexisNexis, for instance, reveals that, in a single week in mid December, there were no fewer than 994 news stories containing a combination of the words "in the aftermath" and "September 11." That’s 992 more hits than turned up in a search for "George Bush" and "idiot."
Such is the profound effect the terrorist attacks have had on the United States.
A few short months ago, we were still in the midst of an unprecedented spell of peace and prosperity. Crime was at its lowest level in decades. The Internet promised to revolutionize the way Americans masturbated. Gourmet coffee flowed freely. Birds twittered. Children ran through the streets brandishing tulips and marigolds. We in Boston were troubled by nothing more dire than another awful Red Sox season. And yet we had no real sense of how awful "awful" can be. Awful, we understand now, can be truly awful. More awful, even, than Morgan Burkhart’s batting average.
And so, as we leave 2001 — our annus horribilis — behind, many Americans are wondering what in God’s name a horrible anus has to do with anything. Many more, however, are asking themselves what we, as Americans, can look forward to in the year ahead. Should we flitter into 2002 like jittery sparrows? Should we stride into the New Year like stouthearted warriors? Should we stride into 2002 like stouthearted sparrows or flitter in like jittery warriors? There are no easy answers to these questions. The only sure thing is this: in the aftermath of September 11, America remains resolute (54 hits), proud (549 hits), and strong ("This search has been interrupted because it will return more than 1000 documents").
These are trying times, yes, but they are also New Times, and we Americans love new things. America’s New Cabbage, America’s New Screwdriver — doesn’t matter. You could stock the shelves of the Salt Lake City Mormo-Mart with America’s New Butt Plugs and they’d sell out before you could say, "Yeah, and the Lamanites smote the Lemuelites." The same goes for the New War. We predict that in 2002, the "New" tag will be used to justify everything from dropping Daisy Cutters on the Rock of Gibraltar to dispatching a super-secret task force to Kewanee, Illinois, to "take out" Gregory Podnik, who allegedly has ties to Bill Higgs, who is said to have "terrorized" Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in the eighth grade.
But it’s not only in the arena of conflict that Americans will shine next year. After many months of exhaustive research, the Phoenix has unearthed ample evidence that 2002 is shaping up to be a fantastic year, rivaling that of 1782, the year the nation wallowed in the benefits of a bumper turnip crop. Here are a few of the areas to which we can look forward with hope, pride, and maybe even a little sexual arousal.
The military
The US military will indeed prove unexpectedly adept at facing the challenges presented by the New War. Gone are the days when troops trundled into battle armed with heavy artillery, machine guns, and tanks. As 2002 will bear out, modern wars will be fought with Palm Pilots and those little laser-pointer things that motivational speakers use. Super-secret "Prankster" units will undertake such missions as loosening the front wheels of enemy bicycles.
In general, the armed forces will move away from large, unwieldy battalions of troops to smaller, more mobile units. The First Infantry Division, currently based in Wiesbaden, Germany, will likely be replaced by a guy named Pat. And Pat will certainly have his work cut out for him. There will be many kinds of wars fought in many different parts of the world in the coming year — mainly, for some reason, in Europe. Particularly snooty regions of Northern France will be bombarded with packets of American fast food; Spain, accused of harboring the singer Julio Iglesias, will endure punishing paella sanctions; and, after being denounced by Bush as "a buncha dope-smoking freaks," Holland will lose hundreds of its citizens to cycling-related accidents.
Technology
The most important technological development of 2002 will be "Ginger," New Hampshire inventor Dean Kamen’s long-awaited hybrid of a lawnmower and a scooter. Just kidding. The hot invention this year will be Banthrax, a portable mail-irradiating device which, despite the third ear grown by a mailroom employee in Scratchee, Ohio, will be selling like hot cakes by year’s end. Hot cakes, meanwhile, will suffer a severe slump.
Cloning will continue to make the news in 2002, particularly after revelations, in April, of a secret plan to send a thousand Celine Dions into the caves of Tora Bora to flush out remaining Al Qaeda die-hards. News that the military is developing a new 30,000-pound bomb, however, will get a less-than-enthusiastic response when investigative reporter Geraldo Rivera reveals that the new bomb is merely two 15,000-pound bombs duct-taped together. Afghanistan will be at the center of another important technological innovation: Tali-Ban, a super-strong deodorant said to counter the effects of the most stifling burqa.
The computer industry will receive a boost late in the year when Dell introduces a monitor that dispenses hand lotion and Kleenex. Microsoft will quickly follow suit with its vibrating laptop.
