Entertainment

The summer’s hot movies will include Burning Bush, in which Bush (Bruce Willis) goes on a commando mission to Yemen after President Ali Abdullah Saleh (Jeremy Irons) calls Bush’s daughter (Mena Suvari) a "fatwa." By September, the catchphrase "Yemeni-ai-ay, motherf***er" will appear everywhere from Gap T-shirts to Burger King ads. Such violent fare, however, will generally be overshadowed by feel-good movies. In May, Die Hard director Richard Donner will release his Easy Livin’, described in Entertainment Weekly as "a paean to drinking iced tea on sunny days." Not to be outdone, controversial director Spike Lee will begin work on Do the Right Thing II, in which an angel (Russell Crowe) reminisces about his days spent as a good-deed-doing youth (Haley Joel Osment).

Overall, Hollywood will experience a renewed sense of civic duty this year. In April, Quentin Tarantino will announce that he’s giving up being an ex–movie director to do what he calls "meaningful" work. "I don’t know," Tarantino tells Variety, "I’ll work in the salt mines of New Jersey or something." A week later, Anne Heche will announce plans to travel to "a faraway jungle," where she will "administer first aid to, and possibly have sex with, sickly three-toed sloths." In February, the Grammys will erupt into chaos as a surprise performance by the Celine Dion Tabernacle Choir causes a stampede, injuring Courtney Love, Marlon Wayans, Dido, and four out of the five Backstreet Boys.

Literature

Following a relatively slow year in 2001, many literary controversies will arise in 2002. Norman Mailer will stun the publishing world in February with the announcement that he is starting work on a new novel called I, Mohammed. Oprah Winfrey will once again find herself at the center of a storm after Osama bin Laden’s literary agent refuses to let her feature the terrorist leader’s long-anticipated autobiography, My Jihad, on her show. Winfrey will later go on record calling bin Laden "an elitist." Dave Eggers and Saul Bellow will fall from favor following a well-publicized brawl in an East Village crêperie.

In the fall, comedian Chris Rock will publish a book called That’s Nice ("You know what I like about white folks? I like the way they play tennis. White folks are some tennis players!"). The most talked-about book of the year, however, will be Harvard professor Helen Vendler’s Poetry Shmoetry, in which she describes poetry as "boring and really difficult to read." In an interview with Talk magazine, Vendler will defend her position, saying, "Look, I’ve been reading this stuff for years — Keats, Donne, Plath, Whitman — and I can safely say that poetry is crap." In July, Chicken Soup for the Terrorist’s Soul will become the best-selling book in US history.

Religion

Rumors that Dick Cheney has converted to Islam will be angrily denied by White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. In a press conference, a frothing Fleischer will insist that the vice-president has begun signing his name "Dick al-Cheney" to honor Al Gore, who was gravely injured early in the year in a beard-related accident. In March, the relevance of Louis Farrakhan will come into question after the Nation of Islam leader gives a speech lambasting "sloppy fried eggs, scratchy underwear, and yappy dogs."

It will be a tough year in general for the Islamic faith. In May, Iranian ayatollah Ali Khamenei, speaking on Larry King Live, will call September 11 "a public-relations nightmare," adding, "we have guys working night and day on this." Two months later, NBC will begin running pro-Islamic ads, in which such celebrities as Jerry Seinfeld, Nellie Furtado, and Norman Mailer give the thumbs-up sign and say, "There’s no ‘isn’t’ in Islam." Whatever PR benefits the ad may provide will be scuppered, however, when a similar ad runs on the Al-Jazeera network, with the added phrase, "But there is an ‘eew!’ in Jew."

Mormonism will suffer a PR setback of its own following a story in the July issue of the New Yorker, in which Seymour Hersh accuses followers of the religion of "trying to bore America to death." At a ceremony in Rome, the Pope will canonize Rudolph Giuliani. Giuliani, in Austerlitz to pick up a "Classical Composer of the Year" award, will say that he would be "delighted" to return the favor and canonize the Pope.

The law

In October, the FBI will spark a firestorm of controversy as it begins rounding up suspected Cher clones. Otherwise, the Bush administration’s rigid approach to law and order will enjoy overwhelming support. In July, a national poll in USA Today will reveal that 68 percent of Americans approve of Attorney General John Ashcroft’s proposed Hanging, Drawing & Quartering Center for Suspected Terrorists, in Alexandria, Virginia. Later in the year, Ashcroft will call his decision to outlaw abortion "a national-security issue," saying that the move is meant to protect "future fighters in our War Against Terrorism™."

Calls to try Dick Cheney as a traitor will mount following the release of yet another Osama bin Laden tape, this one showing Cheney sitting cross-legged beside bin Laden and Cat Stevens, boasting (in Arabic) that "America suspects nothing! Ha ha ha ha HAAAA!" Speaking from his secret hideaway, Cheney will insist he was mistranslated. "What I actually remarked on that tape," he tells Larry King, "was that America will stop at nothing to apprehend suspects [in the September 11 terrorist attacks]," adding: "And I wasn’t laughing demonically — I was choking on a fig."

The war

Following centuries of autocratic rule, Middle Eastern terrorists will prove much more pliant than previously imagined. no terrorists signs posted around the nation’s airports, for instance, will result in an almost complete cessation of airline-related terrorism. Signs that terrorist networks might be scraping the bottom of the barrel will appear when a mentally deficient Norwegian trout farmer is apprehended trying to board a bus in Buzzard’s Neck, Arizona, armed with a can of shaving cream. Homeland Defense director Tom Ridge will insist, however, that the shaving cream could have been used to "bonk" someone on the head. "Americans," he continues, "must stay vigilant."

As summer draws to a close, terrorist networks worldwide will issue a statement saying, "We give up!" India, meanwhile, will go to war with Pakistan, China will go to war with Taiwan, Nigeria will go to war with Denmark, Argentina will go to war with Canada, England will go to war with France, and Russia will go to war with itself. By year’s end, seven separate nuclear devices will have detonated at various spots around the world. Nonetheless, countless Americans will take to the streets to rejoice over the end of the terrorist threat, despite Tom Ridge’s repeated admonition to "stay vigilant."

Chris Wright can be reached at cwright[a]phx.com