Politics
Bipartisanship will take a hit early in the year after Republican House majority whip Tom DeLay dope-slaps Senator Hillary Clinton following a row over a knish in a seedy Washington delicatessen, but politics will otherwise assume an air of bonhomie in 2002. For one thing, Republicans and Democrats alike will go on record wishing they had dope-slapped Hillary Clinton. Also, Americans will find themselves united against a common enemy: British prime minister Tony Blair, who infuriates the president by suggesting that Afghanistan has more than one syllable. Special Ops forces will reportedly be seen in the Northern English town of Cleethorpes, "fiddling," according to one local, "with our bloody bus shelters."
In March, Gary Condit will be seen shredding files in the wee hours at his DC office. In newspaper interviews, a Condit spokesman will insist that there was nothing sinister about the incident, explaining that the California congressman was shredding files in the middle of the night because "he has been unable to find an intern."
Bush’s fortunes, meanwhile, will continue to soar after he approves "Operation Tee-Hee," which involves sending crack troops to Iraq to whitewash Saddam Hussein’s windows. Taking advantage of Bush’s 99.9 percent approval rating, America’s PR chief Charlotte Beers — who last year called Bush (no kidding) an "inspiring symbol of the brand" — announces that President Bush will now be known as President Bush™. Any use of the president’s name or image without prior permission, Vice-President Dick Cheney warns from his secret hideout, will be met with "grave consequences." The move will reportedly add $20 billion a year to the nation’s coffers.
The economy
The economy will go from strength to strength in 2002. Although the Dow Jones will lose a third of its value by June, things will look up in August as foreign sales of Dean Kamen’s much-anticipated scooter generate up to 20 billion lira in revenue. Alan Greenspan’s decision to reduce interest rates to minus-five percent will boost home sales, and tech stocks will soar after Gateway unveils its Amazing X-Ray computer monitor ("Sees through clothes!"). The number of visits to Paula Poundstone’s home page, meanwhile, will plummet.
Wall Street will react favorably to reports that the Pentagon has approved a contract to supply the Russian military with 500 to 700 Celine Dions — with a possible 250 Fred Dursts to follow. Some jitters will arise later in the year when a tabloid photographer catches Bush holding the Social Security "Lock Box" upside down and shaking it, but nerves calm when the president assures the nation that there are still "ample" funds in the Social Security "Sock."
Americans will heed President Bush’s call to "spend like there’s no tomorrow" in 2002. Among the year’s hot consumer items will be novelty gas masks, luxury bomb shelters, fruit-flavored Cipro tablets, and sequined HAZMAT suits. US manufacturers will also continue to enjoy the fruits of an unexpectedly vibrant Afghan market, where a never-ending demand for cutting-edge fashion accessories — including leg warmers, do-it-yourself hair-frosting kits, and fingerless gloves — will send the US economy soaring.
The environment
Early in the year, the Massachusetts legislature will introduce a bill calling for the release of more ozone-depleting chemicals into the atmosphere. Despite violent objections from Greenpeace and other environmental groups, the move will receive widespread support from Bay State residents. "It’s frickin’ February and it’s 80 frickin’ degrees," says Bernie Magthorpe of Hull. "You’d have to be some kinda A-hole not to support global frickin’ warming."
Following particularly boisterous Australia Day celebrations, an estimated two-thirds of Australia’s male population will pass gas simultaneously, causing the atmosphere above New South Wales to ignite. The incident will kill 2000 people and singe the eyebrows of up to three million more. A class-action suit against Foster’s Lager will be filed.
Cloning will come into the spotlight once again as an estimated 200 Jerry Lewises wash up on the shores of Le Havre, France. One of the volunteers involved in the massive clean-up effort will describe the scene as "harrowing." The FBI, meanwhile, will quiz executives of the Muscular Dystrophy Association on how their annual Jerry Lewis Telethon — which netted upwards of $1.5 billion — was broadcast live from 27 different countries.
The national mood
After a grumpy start to the year, the nation’s mood will pick up considerably in the spring. A controversial study in the American Journal of Psychiatry will report that feelings of mutual benevolence in America are at their highest level since 1965. In June, a group calling itself the American Sympathetic Society (ASS) will take out an ad in the New York Times vowing that "no convenience-store clerk will go un-thanked, no old lady will cross the street unaided." Traffic in the nation’s cities will come to a virtual standstill as old ladies are herded back and forth across the road. ASS will later face charges that many of the old ladies didn’t want to cross the road. "They were weeping with gratitude," ASS founder Dwight Snipstrom will insist from his jail cell.
A follow-up article in the AJP will suggest that soaring benevolence has led to a serious downturn in humor. David Letterman will shock audiences when he gives them "10 Reasons to Weep with Joy and Gratitude" ("Number one: drinking iced tea on sunny days"). In December, Eminem’s Kittens and Candy Canes will top the charts. The Detroit-born rapper will come under increasing criticism, however, for what some describe as "offensive" lyrics on the album, such as the much-cited passage where Eminem raps, "Driving to church with my buddy Dr. Dre/ We’re 15 minutes late but/ What the hey!"
